Satirical Lulz
by Amethyst Turtle
Summary: A series of parodies that will make your head esplode in a burst of dazzling colors. Rated for the obvious, silly!1! Complete!
1. Me, My Sexy Self, and Zoro

AN: Since Generic Exaggeration (Teen Titans) is so successful, I decided to write one for One Piece.  
So, basically, I'm going to take a chainsaw to all those cliches out there and other little things that piss readers off. This chapter pertains to perhaps the most loved and overdone cliche yet, or at least one of them.  
AND TO CLARIFY I'm NOT trying to focus on individual stories; if your story happens to resemble one of these, go ahead and flame me. I won't mind. BUT I was never trying to make fun of _your _story personally.  
... I'm done talking now.

Me, My Sexy Self, and Zoro

One day I was hanging out with my friends, being all cool and stuff.

"Dude! I just watched that one episode of One Piece with Chopper! It was so kawaii!" I squealed, even though I wasn't Japanese.

"Baka, urusai," one of my friends said, even though she wasn't Japanese either. "Luffy is much more kawaii than Chopper."

"Nani?!? Wrong! You're all wrong!" yet another one of my friends said loudly. "My bishounen Zoro pwns you all! We're going to get married someday!"

"Urusai!" I shouted back. "_I'm _going to marry Zoro!"

Little did I know, my life-long dream was about to come true! ZOMG!!1!

When I was on my way home, I was suddenly hit by a very large bag of frozen peas on the head. How and where it came from, I don't know. It just adds to the bizarreness of the situation. Anyways, when I was hit, I fell down and blacked out.

When I woke up, I was on a pirate ship. I also had loooooooooooooooong cascading hair that fell down my back like a sexy waterfall, these pimping highlights, boobs the size of basketballs, a curvy figure that made Nami look like a two-by-four, and clothes that barely restrained my sexy jiggly orbs of doom. And really pointy heels. That can stab things.

"Oh my gosh! I must be in One Piece!" I said, quickly realizing what was going on. Then, Luffy popped up out of nowhere and grinned at me.

"Hi! I'm Monkey D. Luffy!"

"OMG I wuv u Ruffeeeeee!!!11" I squealed. "I'm Sakura Yuki Tsuki Neko Baka Kitsune Mizu Hana!"

"Join my crew, Sakura Yuki Tsuki Neko Baka Kitsune Mizu Hana!" Luffy said.

"Okay!" I said.

So then we were on the Going Merry, clearly because I was too jealous of Nico Robin and refused to include her in my own little fantasy- er, I mean, MY DREAM COME TRUE!

After quick introductions that are much too corny to be shown in this story, I was immediately a real part of the crew, even though I had no position and would obviously be a burden to them.

Zoro was looking at me.

"Hey, Zoro," I said all sexy-like.

"Uh-uh-I-uh- HI!" he quickly ran away. I chuckled suavely. It looked like he was already captivated by my sexy charms.

After following them around the sea in pointless little side-adventures for a few weeks, I was already the strongest fighter of the crew and had eaten a Devil Fruit called the Mary Sue Mary Sue no Mi.

It gave me the powers of pyrokinesis, shapeshifting, animal communication, flight, super strength, super speed, psychic powers, badass swordfighting skills, the sixth, seventh, and eighth senses, control over electricity, water, earth, plants, and wind, and all these other powers that other canon characters already possessed. It also made me even more sexy and adorable, which only made my fellow pirates love me even more than they already did. Though that wasn't even possible.

"Sakura Yuki Tsuki Neko Baka Kitsune Mizu Hana-chwaaaan!" Sanji swooned as he called me over for lunch, completely ignoring Nami. "It's lunch tiiime!"

"Okay!" I called back.

Sakura Yuki Tsuki Neko Baka Kitsune Mizu Hana! You're so awesome!" Luffy said, passing by.

"I know I am," I flipped my luscious casading soft beautiful highlighted exotic erotic hair over my shoulder.

"Sakura Yuki Tsuki Neko Baka Kitsune Mizu Hana!" this time, it was Zoro. He was blushing immensely and looking away. "Your beauty captured me the moment you landed on our ship! Marry me!"

"I will!" and we began making out.

Usopp, Chopper, Nami, and Vivi were never included in my fantasy because they're too boring.

Apparently.

And so, about ten years later, Zoro and I lived in our own house on this random island after Luffy became pirate king and the crew disbanded for the most idiotic of reasons. And in case you were wondering, Robin, Franky, and Brooke never joined because I never did end up reading past the Alabasta arc.

And the Marines chopped Luffy's head off, but that's irrelevant to this story.

"I love you, Sakura Yuki Tsuki Neko Baka Kitsune Mizu Hana!" Zoro kissed me.

"And I love you too!" I said back all sexy-like.

We made out.

Then there was a badly written lemon.

The end.

***

AN: Lemons between OCs and CCs are like taboo. Seriously. e_e  
I have the next 10 or so chapters written out. If there are any other things in fanfics that irritate you out there, please let me know. I have my chainsaw handy. Vrroooom.  
Reviews (and requests) will be greatly appreciated.


	2. Luffy's Super Extended Family

AN: Oh, look, another Mary Sue chapter...  
What is wrong with you people? I spend half an hour writing a meaningful one-shot and then two minutes going on a candy-high, and people choose to read the product of one too many M&Ms? Blaaah!  
Nah, I'm not that mad. I just find it amusing, is all.

Luffy's Super Extended Family 

"WHERE THE HELL DID THEY COME FROM?!?" Franky bellowed, being crushed under many fashionable sandals and heels and other various footwear.

"I'M DROWNING!" Chopper shrieked.

"This is funny!" Luffy laughed. The ship was flooded with countless teenage girls, all of whom mysteriously resembled Luffy in some way.

"Luffy! It's me, Monkey D. Mary!" one girl shouted. "I'm your long lost identical younger twin sister!"

"I have a sister?" Luffy picked his nose.

"I'm your other long lost identical OLDER twin sister!" another bustier girl called. "Monkey D. Sue! Don't you remember me?"

"Nooo…" Luffy trailed off, looking confused.

"What about me? Monkey D. Jasmine Dawn Sapphire Erotica Hamtaro!" another girl shouted.

"WHAT KIND OF NAME IS- oof!" Usopp was immediately smothered by a hundred pounds of female.

"I thought Ace was my only sibling." Luffy said.

"No! You didn't know about me because we were separated at birth involving tragedy, abuse, and sexual harassment! It's me, Luffy-chan! Monkey D. Susie!" another Luffy-lookalike yelled.

"Get off me!" Zoro grunted, attempting to push off Monkey D. Courtney, Monkey D. Katie, and Monkey D. Celina off of him.

"But we're your lovers, Zoro-kun!" they all chanted.

"GAAAAH!" Zoro roared, trying to swim his way out of the sea of Monkey D. Sisters.

Sanji and Brook had been crushed a long time ago and will no longer be in the story.

"Luffy! Surely you can remember me? Monkey D. Sarah!"

"Monkey D. Laura!

"Monkey D. Rachel!"

"Monkey D. Jennifer!"

"Monkey D. Emily!"

"Stop! Stop! Too many sisters!" Luffy covered his ears, safe on top of the observation deck roof.

"THROW THEM OVERBOARD BEFORE THEY START MULTIPLYING!" Nami screamed bloody murder.

"Die, bitches!" Robin hissed, shoving a dozen of them into the ocean. Obviously out of character.

"You cannot stop the force!!1!" the Monkey D. Sisters laughed. "We possess the Will of D!"

"Suddenly, being a D Carrier doesn't feel so special anymore." Luffy said sadly.

"Die die die!!!" Robin hissed, murdering another couple dozen of them. A forked tongue flicked between her fangs- I mean teeth.

"GO ROBIN! KICK THEIR ASSES… arrrgggh!" Nami screamed as the girls began multiplying like amoebas, crushing the entire crew under their beautifully sexy weight.

"Monkey D. May!"

"Monkey D. Christine!"

"Monkey D. Jeffery!"

"THAT ISN'T A GIRL'S NAME!" Usopp screamed before he was swept back underneath the crowd.

Then the ship began sinking because it became too heavy.

***

AN: For some reason, it's harder to write Robin OOC than the rest of the crew.  
Keep those complaints about other people rolling in! Heh. D:  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	3. Everyone Gets Knocked Up

AN: I dunno about you guys, but I just don't see the appeal of pregnant men. Is it supposed to be _sexy_ or _funny _or _what_?

Everyone Gets Knocked Up

"Well, this is startling!" Chopper said, holding seven pregnancy tests in his hoof. "According to these… all of you are pregnant! Except for Brook."

"Which I am quite happy about." Brook smiled. He flipped everyone off, quite out of character. "Suckas!"

"WTF?" Zoro's jaw dropped. "How is that possible?!?"

"I'm naming mine Meat!" Luffy said, proudly patting his stomach.

"This is… disgusting…" Sanji said, doubling over.

"How did this even happen?!?" Franky exclaimed.

"What I want to know is when the hell you five men had semi-transsexual surgery behind my back. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE!1!!" Chopper screeched.

Everyone's jaw dropped at the shocking news. Except for Robin, because she's cool like that.

"Ahem. Zoro, you're going to have a healthy set of triplets!" Chopper said cheerfully.

Zoro began vomiting.

"Sanji will have two beautiful baby twin Mary Su- ahem, I mean, baby girls." Chopper said hastily.

Sanji began crying.

"Uh, this is strange…" Chopper looked at Nami, puzzled. "According to my tests, the father of your child is… Vivi?"

Nami could only gape at Chopper, eyes wide with horror and disgust.

"Usopp is going to have octuplets! Yaaaay!" Chopper attempted to lift the mood. "Just like Kate Gosselin!"

Usopp had already passed out by then.

"… And _I'm_ the father of Robin's child?" Chopper did a double take on his test results, evidently confused.

Robin closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Nico Robin! You're a whore AND a pedophile!" Franky accused.

Robin glared at Franky. "You really want me to crush your manbits again?"

"No ma'am." Franky sat down meekly.

Chopper looked at his own stomach. "You know what's weird, guys? I'M also pregnant! Huh, I guess I was female all along."

"Okama." Robin nodded solemnly.

"I wonder why my oven does not have a bun in it." Brook mused.

"You can't get pregnant. You're dead." Nami pointed out. "Lucky bastard…"

"WE aren't supposed to get pregnant! We're men! And I did NOT have semi-transsexual surgery, dammit!" Zoro yelled. He began punching himself in the gut. "GET OUT ME, YOU LITTLE PARASITE!"

"Seppuku!" Sanji cried, attempting to drive a knife through his stomach. Nami calmly stopped him.

"That's Kumadori's line." Nami said.

"Octo-oct-o-octuplets?!?" Usopp wheezed in horror.

"Can I still name mine Meat?" Luffy asked.

"How the hell does a CYBORG get pregnant?!?" Franky yelled.

"I want an abortion…" Robin said.

***

AN: Hooray for sparkly happy self-insertion babies. Yaaaay.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	4. Yaay High School

AN: Oh, don't deny it. This was just asking to be written.  
On a brighter note, we need to spread the word about BrookxRobin. IT WIL BECUM TEH NEXT BIG TING!!1!

Yaay High School

And so, because this is high school and the new age of adolescent fanfiction writers and fangirls, the rest of this story shall be translated into ChA+$pEak.

According to our researchers, ChA+$pEak is the fangirl's native tongue, so these writings have been translated as such purely for their convenience. Subtitles are optional.

"Like hi gaiz!1!" Monkey D Luffy said, waving to his BFFs.

"Ruffeeee! WASSHUP MAN?!?" Usopp slapped him across the face, as that is the modern teenager's way of greeting one another. I think.

"U gaiz r soooo shtoopid." Zoro groaned. He's the sexy lone wolf guy who's also a jock or something along those lines.

"Ttly." Chopper, the little wannabe kid agreed.

"NAMI-SWAAAAAN!!!

Nami proceeded to beat up Sanji viciously for being ridiculously noisy.

"U idiut! Ur sho noysee and anoyeeng!" Nami said, incorrectly spelling her entire sentence.

Everyone went to their classes. Except for Zoro. He got lost and ended up in the janitor's closet.

Obviously.

"Greetings." Robin said, the only character who spoke normally, even though it was normal to speak not normally though being not normal was normal now and not normal ways were now normal and not normal ways weren't normal and being normal was not normal because a whole new normal HAD BEEN BORN… and something like that. Normally. "I am the history teacher, because I am such a boring character and waaaaay too old for you young whippersnappers. Begone, peasants!"

Robin failed all of them then kicked them out of her class.

"Super!" Franky, the gym teacher/janitor/woodshop teacher/principal/school bully said. He socked Luffy in the face then failed them in all his classes.

"Oh noes! Weze faylings our classes!!1!" Luffy said worriedly, nursing a black eye.

"Whatevs!" Nami walked away.

Usopp was too boring to have dialogue, so he was conveniently trapped in some random locker, playing the stereotype of the weakling bully-victim.

It was Franky who put him in there, btw. Just checking.

Brook wasn't in the story because he's much too old to be seen in public anymore. That's what retirement homes are for, duhz!!1!

Chopper… fell into a plothole.

"Lesh hav sum payrings, gaiz!" Zoro said excitedly.

"Yaaaayz!" Luffy cheered.

"I luuurv payringz!" Sanji said.

"Grooop secks!" Nami called. All of them stripped then had an EPIC lemon.

Then they got in trouble because they were still on school campus.

Those silly kids!

***

AN: I'm sort of sick of every high school fic having Robin as a teacher thus leaving her out of a good majority of the story. You know what? BOO. Just because Robin's quiet doesn't mean she's a part of the background.  
So if someone is willing to write an AU one-shot (or something) where Robin is something like, I don't know, an eight-year-old genius in the eleventh grade, I'd die of joy. Seriously, though, that's such an obvious scenario I can't believe no one's done it yet.  
And maybe Usopp can be the school drug dealer. And Zoro can be a hobo who sleeps in the school. And Nami can be a student who blackmails the principal on a regular basis. Who knows? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, YOU MO-RONS. No offense, of course.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	5. Japanese Wannabes

AN: I'm fine when people keep honorifics (-san, -chan, -kun, etc), attacks, and the occassional 'baka' in Japanese, but when something like "Chotto matte, baka! Urusai! Nani?!?" comes up... e_e

Japanese Wannabes

"Konichiwa!" Luffy smiled, waving to the reader. "Ima wa mae dake mireba ii!"

"Shinjiru koto wo shinjireba ii…" Zoro said, looking the other way.

"Ai mo zetsubou mo hane ni nari fushi naru tsubasa he to!" Nami grinned.

"Sashimi sake wasabi mistubishi! Baka!" Usopp laughed.

"Honno sukoshi de ii kimi ga warattekurereba?" Sanji glanced at Nami questioningly.

"Yomigaere boku no kodou." Chopper said, wiggling around.

"Boku wa ima demo yowai mama de hikari no ken wo nukenaideita." Robin said, sounding rather irritated.

"Ow! Supaaaah!" Franky sang.

"Kimi ga negaeba ginga no kanata he mugen ni toberu hazu." Brook patiently said.

"Suki- wait a minute, what the hell are we saying???" Zoro said.

"I dunno." Luffy smiled.

"None of what we said even made sense. Except for Franky." Robin said.

"Well, duh. The author wanted to sound _cool_, so she inserted a bunch of random Japanese words she just copy-and-pasted from some Japanese song she found on Youtube." Nami rolled her eyes.

"What. An. Idiot." Sanji said.

"And because no one would understand a single word of the story, they would be forced to bow down to her superiority." Usopp said wisely.

"That… doesn't make any sense." Chopper said.

"NANI?!?" Usopp said, shocked.

"STOP TRYING TO SPEAK JAPANESE!" Chopper yelled.

"Technically, we all originated from Japan." Robin said.

"But the people reading this can't understand Japanese." Nami pointed out.

"So the simplest thing to do would be…" Brook said.

"Add an index at the end!" Sanji said triumphantly.

"A very loooong index." Luffy said.

"Works for me." Everyone said.

***

AN: Really, I just copy/pasted lyrics from some Japanese song. What? I'm not going to go _that _far just for some crack.  
And if you didn't notice... go look back on what Usopp said. Heh. Eh...  
The next chapter will probably be on the ever so popular Zoro torture.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	6. The Zoro Torture Fic

AN: I guess the last chapter wasn't so good. Eh.  
In this one... by torture, I'm referring to the "omg stab stab beat up angst angst" torture, not the kind like in that episode where Zoro had to play mommy for a bunch of kids. THAT kind of torture is funny. The other kind, I don't really get.

The Zoro Torture Fic

One day Zoro was suddenly beaten up badly by a group of baddies even though he should have been able to fight back with no problem.

Let's just assume he was, uh, high on shrooms, okay?

So Zoro was dragging his injured butt down the street when SUDDENLY a truck ran over him.

"OW!!" Zoro shouted, in pain. The truck didn't even stop to apologize, making it a hit-and-run.

But no one was sued because it was ONLY ZORO getting hurt. And it's somehow sexy and hot when he's hurt.

So Zoro was forced to hop on one slightly injured leg, since the other one was flattened out like a pancake.

THEN suddenly a rabid dog ran up to him and bit off a portion of his good leg, making him fall over.

"AAUUUGH!!!" Zoro howled, clutching his bloody leg. "WHAT THE HELL?!?"

The dog ran away, chewing on the piece of Zoro flesh. AND THEN suddenly a mysterious thundercloud blew overhead and began shooting lightning at Zoro.

"CRAAAAP!" Zoro yelled, rolling left and right to avoid the bolts. But he was hit by one, anyways. Zap!

"SHIT!!!" Zoro screamed, his body all blackened and slightly smoking. "THAT REALLY HURT!"

Somewhere, a ton of Zoro-fangirls were shrieking with joy at his pain and suffering. OMG so kawaii!!1!

Zoro began to drag himself down the street, determined to get back to the ship and have Chopper use his reindeer-magic to fix him up.

BUT THEN some woman ran up to Zoro and began beating him with an aluminum baseball bat. She ran off after several minutes of whacking him senseless.

"BITCH!" Zoro yelled after her. By then, he was sizzling, bloodied, bruised, and flattened. And partially eaten. But somehow, he still managed to get back onto the ship without any other incidents. "CHOPPER, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!?"

"In the shoooweeeer!" Chopper sang back.

"SCREW THIS!" Zoro dragged himself into the infirmary and swallowed the first medicine he saw.

Poof! He turned into a little green kitty-cat, much to the fangirls' delight. OMG even moar kawaiiz!1!11!!

"CRAP! SHIT SHIT SHIT!" Zoro yowled, jumping around in circles. Sanji came into the infirmary. He stared at Zoro-cat. Zoro-cat stared at Sanji.

"I'm not cuddling you no matter what those yaoi fangirls offer, you shitty little hairball." Sanji calmly said. He reached down and picked up Zoro-cat by the scruff of his neck.

"Let me go, crap-head!" Zoro hissed, squirming in Sanji's grip.

"I think someone needs to be fixed." Sanji grinned evilly.

"NOOOOOO!" Zoro howled.

***

AN: And THAT'S how you torture Zoro... apparently.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	7. The Traumatizing of Usopp

AN: This was mentioned by someone... I forgot who. I'm half sure it was _that _person, but I don't want to make a stupid mistake and sound like a fool. Sorry. D:  
So you know who you are. Thanks!

The Traumatizing of Usopp 

"Hey, has anyone seen Usopp?" Luffy asked, jumping around the ship like some sugar-rushed pogostick on acid.

"No."

And because of the lack of given information, the reader was left with the question: _who _or _what _answered Luffy's question? DUN DUN DUN!

But that is for the sequel. Which I will never write.

...moving along.

"But Usopp is always being ridiculously noisy and annoying! Why is it so quiet today? WHYYYY?!?" Luffy sobbed.

"Because, he's underappreciated." Nami answered.

"WHAAAA?!?" Luffy's jaw dropped.

"Haven't you noticed? He's right over here." Nami pointed at Usopp, who was curled up next to her and rocking back and forth, shivering in fear with wide eyes.

"Oh! There you are." Luffy sighed in relief.

Usopp didn't answer.

"The author feels that he isn't handsome or strong enough, so he gets no dialogue whatsoever. She _scared _him into being quiet with the horrific powers of yaoi." Nami said.

"What? Why would someone be so mean?" Luffy frowned, poking Usopp with a fork rather rudely.

"Oh, look, I have dialogue." Zoro said for no particular reason.

"Let's start another bicker and spend half the story arguing to each other, because that would be hilarious." Sanji said.

"Blah blah blah shit cook."

"Blah blah blah marimo."

"Blah blah blah dartboard brow."

"Blah blah blah your mom."

"Oh. _That's _why." Luffy nodded.

"You don't even get it, do you?" Nami sighed.

"Nope." Luffy grinned cheerfully.

"The Monster Trio is unanimously the most popular characters in the entire series. So of course you would have the most dialogue!" Nami said in exasperation. "And I'm just here to fill in the role of the PMSing bitch!"

"Oh. Okay." Luffy said.

"No! It's not okay! Usopp is traumatized, just look at him!"

"Th-the authors… they're e-everywhere…" Usopp shuddered, deep shadows under his eyes.

"Blah blah blah your mom's face."

"Blah blah blah that was uncalled for."

"Blah blah blah sorry."

"Blah blah blah let's make out."

"SHUT UP!" Nami shoved both of them overboard, but no one really cared. You know, because this isn't a death fic.

"S-so scary…" Usopp continued rocking back and forth.

Luffy glanced around. "Hey… where's Robin?"

Nami's eyes widened. "Oh, shit!"

They found her hiding under her bed, convinced that the authors were out to get her.

***

AN: Am I the only one here who doesn't think Zoro is the hottest thing ever?  
Oh wait... *prepares for angry fangirl barrage*  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	8. The EPIClogue

AN: Hur hurr, I made a pun -fail-  
I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who isn't Zoro-crazy. If I got to latch onto any of the crew members like a leech... I'd choose Robin. Because she'd probably be the least likely to beat the crap outta me, and she can do my homework :D  
Uh, I mean, she can _help _me with my homework. Yeah.  
So anyways, WHAT IS UP with all these stories about Luffy being _executed_?! Do people WANT him to die just so the path is clear for their glorious sparkle-sparkle OCs? Sheez!

The EPIClogue

And so in a fanmade conclusion of One Piece, Luffy had become Pirate King, and everyone's dreams had come true because OBVIOUSLY the readers can't wait for One Piece to end... those mo-rons...

Anyways.

Zoro kicked Mihawk's ass all the way to the ninth dimension.

Nami made this big-ass map of the entire world that put National Geographic to shame.

Usopp got a medal of honor proving his warrior-ness and caught up with his Daddeh Yasopp.

Sanji found All-Blue and immediately staked a claim on it, shooting anyone who tried to take some of his preeeeecious fishies.

Chopper created the cure to cancer. Or something like that.

Robin found the Rio Poneglyph and immediately became an omnipotent being akin to a God. DUM BUM BUM!!!

Franky… eh, he just sailed around. And stuff.

Brook reunited with Laboon and was horrified at how un-cute the whale had become.

And so the crew decided to separate because they had become bored of each other (or something) and Luffy was captured by the Marines for an unexplained reason. He _should've _been able to escape with no problem, but apparently he had one too many beers that one night...

"I'm totally going to rip off Gol D Roger's lines!" Luffy smiled at the execution stand. He cleared his throat. "My treasure? I hid it somewhere in One Piece… oh wait, I worded that wrong. Can I try again?"

The Marines beside him nodded as the crowd waited patiently.

"Okay." Luffy cleared his throat again. "I left all my treasures, which you can have, since I left it in One Piece… dangit! That's wrong again! Can I have another shot?"

The Marines nodded.

"Ahem." Luffy grinned. "My treasure? I left it all in One Piece. Sure, you can- dammit! I need another try!"

The Marines nodded.

"Okay. I'll get it this time." Luffy nodded confidently. "My treasure? Sure, you can have it. I left it somewhere, in One Piece! …Wait, I don't even _have _treasure, so why am I-"

"TOO LATE NO MORE TRY!" The Marines shouted. And with that, they cut off Luffy's head.

"WOOOOHOOOOOOO!!! PARTAAAAY!" Everyone cheered, bringing out the beer bongs and other party favors. And thus, the NEW NEW NEW Age of Pirates had begun.

In which a bunch of OCs took over the world.

***

AN: Yeah. I went there.  
Just a small thing I noticed... people have been writing stories about Ace's mom, Rouge, but no stories about Bellemere or Olvia! And those two actually had episodes! I wanna see a Bellemere or Olvia story :( Personally, I think they're more interesting than Rouge. Especially Bellemere. Her hair pwnz joo.  
More to be covered next chapter! Stay tuned, you lovable mo-rons you!  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	9. My Beautiful Mary Sue Profile

AN: Whoop. More Mary Sue goodness. Speaking of Mary Sue, check out da new storee i rote, gaiz!!1!  
It must be Mary Sue season or something...  
On a brighter note, a couple people actually took my rant seriously and wrote great Bellemere and Olvia stories! :D  
Now we just wait for the BellemerexOlvia slash to show up... but it probably already exists, doesn't it, even though their timelines don't coincide? Sad. _Robin _could have met Bellemere (while she was in the Marines) at some point though, right? There's something to keep you thinking.

My Beautiful Mary Sue Profile

Name: Turtle D Amethyst

Gender: Female

Nickname: Beautiful Dark Crimson Bloody Wolf Demon Sapphire Crystal Assassin

Bounty: 500,000,000,000,000 beri

Hair: Beautiful. It is soft, silky, ebony-shaded midnight hair that falls down to her ankles. It has red and blue and purple and orange and green and yellow highlights.

Eyes: Beautiful. They change color every few seconds. Sequence is red-orange-yellow-green-blue-purple.

Body: Beautiful.

Personality: Beautiful- uh, I mean, she's really compassionate and caring and sexalicious. She can gain people's trust in the blink of a (beautiful) eye. She's also spunky and a rebel, because it's cool to be like that.

Likes: Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, -insert long list of music artists here-

Dislikes: Nami, Usopp, -insert long list of icky foods here-

Devil Fruits/Powers: Everything. Seriously.

History: Turtle D Amethyst was born on the island of Beautifultopia and lived a happy life until she was three months old, when the Buster Call destroyed her island for no particular reason (which totally insults Ohara's memory). From the age of three months, Turtle D Amethyst was forced to live on her own, killing people to survive. As a baby. She ate all her Devil Fruits at some point but she didn't blow up because Canon had been raped.  
When she was three years old, she killed all the Admirals (Aokiji, Kizaru, and Akainu) with her deadly ninja-pwn powers, which immediately labeled her as a threat to the entire world. She was given a beautifully high bounty because of this.  
Amethyst Turtle was also sexually harassed and abused at some point...  
Then there was stuff about Poneglyphs...  
And a lost sibling...  
And some pirates...  
And the World Government being a bitch...  
Then more sexual harassment.  
She met the Strawhats when she was eighteen, which meant she could date Zoro and Sanji and it wouldn't be pedophilia! Yay!

Other: Amethyst Turtle is so incredibly beautiful that no one can resist her (Robin became a lesbian due to this. Nami did not because Nami has no soul). She is also more musically talented than Brook and is, well, basically better at everything than the crew. And so her harem is consisted of Luffy, Sanji, Zoro, Ace, a bunch of other fangirl-bishies, and to a lesser extent, Robin.

OMGz i hope u liek mah OC!1! Zoro adn Sanji and Luffy luv her soooo much!1!!! Kawaii!!1

***

AN: I had too much fun with that...  
Oh, and I don't mean any of it. I prefer Usopp over the Monster Trio (okay... Sanji is _close_) and Nami is the pimp of the ship. I also don't believe in OCs that are capable of Santoryuu OR Yontoryuu (that's Zoro's thing, dammit! And how the hell would Yontoryuu work? Would you hold a sword with your toes and hop around, or what?!). I also don't believe in OCs that can read Poneglyphs. That's Robin's thing.  
Any OC that has a bounty higher than 100,000,000 is usually labeled as a Mary Sue by me (unless if there's legible reason that's believable). Any OC that has a bounty higher than Doflamingo (who has the highest bounty to note so far, I believe) is just... poo. A lovely way to describe it, no?  
NO OC CAN BE MORE BADASS THAN DOFLAMINGO, BIZNATCHES!!  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	10. Adventure in Americaland

AN: So by now, I guess we all know what happened to Ace in Chapter 574. Strangely, I'm not that devastated. Yes, I'm shocked, but I'm not torn to pieces of turmoil and despair.  
Ace and Robin really should have gotten together. Then they both could have plotted against the world, since the world is their enemy. Boo.  
Anyhoo... there's too much angst flooding the archives now. We need more happiness. Ace wouldn't have wanted us to angst _this _much. I'm sure he's (sort of) happy up in the great Pirate Sky, sleeping and eating and whatnot.  
And to add even more to this lengthy author's note, I swear I'll get to all your complaints and suggestions. If I forget, just remind me. Seriously, though, **keep those ideas rollin' in please**. They are my motivation. And I'm absentminded. Very.  
This was suggested by someone a while ago... I think. It's almost as bad as genderbending (as in Nami-and-Robin-are-scary-as-dudes-and-why-is-Sanji-subjected-to-humiliating-pictures-of-him-as-a-small-girl). Why, just the other day, I happened to come across a yaoi picture of Man!Robin and Crocodile... uh... :0  
Oh, crap, did I ramble off again? I must be going senile :D

Adventure in Americaland

One day I was, like, walking around with my BFFAEAEUWGTOEOOSTUA (best friend forever and ever and ever until we get tired of each other or something tears us apart) talking about something. It was really boring to the reader because no one gives a damn about my life or the mean teacher who gave me a C+ on my test.

THEN something fell from the sky several boring paragraphs later. It was Luffy!

My friend magically fell through a plothole, so she won't be in the story anymore.

"OMG you're Luffy!" I squealed. I have had this major crush on Luffy since I was born. I think. I can't remember.

Then Zoro and Sanji fell from the sky too.

"OMG Zoro and Sanji too!" I squealed again. I also have crushes on them. Because they are muscular and stuff.

"Where the hell are we?" Sanji groaned, rubbing his head.

"You're in the real world! Welcome to Americaland!" I said.

"This is weird." Luffy said, picking his nose.

"I kno rite????" I said in semi-chatspeak.

"Uh, Luffy, where's everyone else?" Zoro asked, glancing around suspiciously.

"Who?" I asked, drooling at his sexy muscles of Zoro-liciousness.

Zoro glared at me then looked back at Luffy. "Nami. Usopp. Chopper. Robin. Franky. Brook."

Now, I should mention that I have no idea who the hell those people are because I never bothered reading the chapters those people were in. I only skimmed through the series just to see pretty pictures of Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji.

"I dunno. They were right behind us." Luffy said.

"We should go look for them." Sanji said. "I hope Nami-swan and Robin-chwan are okay without me!~"

"Wait! Wait! You're supposed to come back to my house and hang out with me then fall in love with my awkward fangirlyness!" I shouted as they walked away.

"Why should we? We don't even know you." Zoro scowled.

"I'm your only link to reality! TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" I screamed.

"Eh… no. I'm not a pedophile." Sanji turned his back.

"I need to find my nakama first." Luffy frowned and followed Sanji.

"You're a creeper." Zoro simply stated, walking away.

"NOOOO!" I sobbed. My fantasy was turning into a nightmare. My three sexy bishounens who weren't really bishounen but who I called bishounen anyways were leaving me to cry in the street, and I didn't even have my friend anymore because she became trapped in the plothole. There was only one thing to do now.

Naruto and Sasuke fell from the sky.

"Where the heck are we?" Naruto groaned.

"WELCOME TO AMERICALAND!"

***

AN: So yeah... maybe I'll do a genderbent chapter next. There are the occassional people who can _really _pull it off and make it cool, but then... the fanart... oh gosh...  
Poor, poor Sanji. That's all I'm going to say.  
And Oda only encourages it by plunking Sanji down right in the middle of crossdresser-territory! Gah!  
Don't forget to check out my newest parody story! Well, it's not really a parody, but a Mary Sue does get brutally murdered.  
Reviews and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.


	11. The Tranvestite Fad

AN: *Brainsplat*  
Oda's genderbent pics from that SBS were pure awesomness.  
The fanmade yuri of femSanji and femZoro... not so much.  
I'm surprised no one did yaoi of Namizou and Robin, though, if there's yaoi of Crocodile and manRobin... wait, what am I saying?!  
THE HORROR.

The Tranvestite Fad

"Something feels off today." Sanji said, playing with a lock of hair. Or should I say, _Sanjina! _Or Sanjiko. Or Sanjiya. Or S...You know what, forget it.

"Maybe it's because of the fact that you have _manboobs_." Zoro snickered. I mean Zora.

"So do you! And technically, they're called _womanboobs._" Luffy pointed out. Otherwise known as Luffyko.

"WHY AM I SO BEAUTIFUL?!?" Usoppa wailed, tugging at his- her- gorgeous black hair. "WHYYYY?!?"

"BECAUSE WE ALL UNDERWENT TRANSSEXUAL SURGERY WHILE WE WERE SLEEPING, APPARENTLY!!!" Chopper screamed back, wondering where the hell her antlers went and why the "y"'s in his name were replaced with "i"s.

"Which doesn't explain anything." Robin scowled, rather annoyed that his name didn't change at all.

"I-I'm not c-_cute _anymore..." Namizou whispered in horror, clutching at his painfully flat chest.

"So it's still okay that I walk around topless, right?" Frankie asked, stretching her arms to the sky, baring her womanly-ness for all to see.

"LIKE, PUT A SHIRT ON, GIRRRL!!" Zora shrieked, covering her eyes.

"...Eh? I didn't change." Brook said.

"OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T!" Usoppa-e smacked Brook, who was confused if he/she was male or female.

"Wait a minute..." Zora flexed her arm and her jaw dropped. "WHERE THE HELL ARE MY MAN-MUSCLES?!!?"

"AND MY GOATEE!!" Sanji-na-ko-ya patted her bare chin frantically. "KYAAAAH!!"

"I'm so... g-g-gorgeous..." Usoppa wheezed in shock.

"Assholes." Robin coughed inconspiciously.

"Oooh... all the paperwork... _paperwork_!!" Chopper whimpered, imagining all the forms she'd have to fill out to explain their sudden sex changes. Except for Brook. I think.

"I don't get it." Luffyko rubbed her head.

"My cuteness! It's gone!!" Namizou wailed.

"Oh shit... this is just another bad case of fanservice, isn't it?" Sanji-na-ko-ya shuddered.

"It took that long for you to figure that out?" Zora yelled as a maid's outfit magically appeared on her and a bunny outfit mysteriously appeared on Sanji-na-ko-ya.

"Ooooh! Burn!" Frankie snapped her fingers.

And then there was hentai.

The end.

**

AN: There are a couple really good gb fanfics, but then there's the other plotless rampages of girly goodness.  
Why is it, that in fanart, when a guy is changed into a girl he automatically becomes pretty? I saw a genderbent Wapol that looked like a supermodel with a metal chin. And when a girl becomes a guy she's ugly, apparently. I'm using Robin as a prime example here. I've only seen TWO maleRobins that actually retained her good looks. The others... ugh.  
My ANs are waaay too long...  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	12. PMS Housewife Sanji

AN: Hm... e_e  
Thanks to a _certain someone_ (you know who you are) I bear no distaste towards yaoi anymore. She writes ZoSan really well, and I'm fine with admitting that. All we need now is a JimbeixLaboon story :D  
But... when Sanji is reduced to a whiny wussy... well, I think a lot of people have issues with that. So this is what would happen if Zoro and Sanji _really _got married and a bad author got a hold of the scenario.

PMS Housewife Sanji

-~-If Zoro and Sanji were husband and wife-~-

"Zoro darling, why didn't you do your chores today??"

"Dammit, woman, will you stop nagging me?!" Zoro yelled, hanging up his coat.

"Darling, you were supposed to take the trash out _and _help Little Mary Sue with her homework _and _do the taxes _and _clean out the attic!" Sanji said, vaccuming the carpet. He was wearing a frilly apron.

"I'll do it later, sheez!" Zoro yelled back, ripping his tie off.

Sanji began sniffling.

"Oi. What's the matter now?" Zoro sighed.

"You didn't even notice that _I got a new haircut_!!" Sanji bawled.

"Oh. Fine then! It looks nice, happy?"

"No! You should have told me that earlier, you insensitive marimo!"

"It's not my fault that you keep yelling at me about the housechores! You're the stay-at-home-mom! _You _do all the house cleaning!" Zoro roared.

"Do you want Little Mary Sue and Little Mary Sue #2 to hear us fighting? Stop yelling!" Sanji shrieked.

"Daddy? Mom-daddy?" Little Mary Sue came out, clutching her teddy bear. "Are you fighting again?"

"No, sweetie, we aren't. We're just having a lively conversation about politics." Sanji smiled. "Go tell Little Mary Sue #2 to go back to sleep, okay?"

"Okay, mom-daddy." Little Mary Sue left.

"Nice going, woman." Zoro rolled his eyes.

"Darling, I wish we could stop fighting." Sanji sniffled.

"Then you should stop nagging me so often. If I married Nami, there wouldn't be much of a difference there, huh?"

"Gasp!" Sanji put a hand to his (flat) chest. "Are you implying something?!"

"No, I'm just making a statement. Jeez!"

"How dare you mention Nami in this household!" Sanji stomped his foot. "I'm your wife! Er-husband. Wife. Whatever!"

"Okay, okay! I'm going to go watch TV." Zoro rubbed his temples.

"Not before you go read Little Mary Sue a bedtime story."

"Dammit, that's your job, woman!"

"Can't you do something for your own child?!"

"Stop nagging me!"

"Then you get off your lazy ass and do some housework!"

"Gargh! Dammit!"

The next day, Zoro and Sanji filed for divorce.

**

AN: That's totally what would happen. :D  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	13. Crossovers Never Meant to Be

AN: Rosario the Giant Goldfish FTW.  
4-28: Since this seriously needs scene dividers, I fixed it up. I miss my asterisks.

Crossovers Never Meant to Be

One day, for some inexplicable reason, a bunch of other characters from different media showed up in the One Piece world.

No one really cared, but still.

Because... it was fun.... even though there were obvious amounts of FAIL in the plot.

--X--

"Yo! I'm Naruto Uzumaki! Let's have a pointless fight over whether pirates or ninjas are better!" Naruto said. He paused. "Believe it!"

"Shut up, dumbass! THIS! IS!! ONE PIECE!!!" Luffy roared, shoving Naruto overboard.

--X--

"...my sword is bigger than yours." Ichigo said to Zoro.

"Is that supposed to be referencing to our peni-"

"NO."

Zoro stared at Ichigo for a second before pushing him overboard.

--X--

"They're all dumbasses." Raven nodded solemnly, sitting beside Robin.

"In some senses, yes." Robin smiled. "By the way, please tell your team leader to stop freaking out over the fact that we both share the same name."

"Will do." Raven sighed as Beast Boy ran by, declaring he was forming the Super Mega Awesome Tofu Pirates crew. Raven blasted him overboard.

--X--

"Cool hair." Goku smiled.

"Same to you, bro." Franky grinned.

They went off to discuss hair management.

--X--

"Hey... you got any candy with you?" L asked Chopper, crouching down to look at Chopper eye-to-eye.

Chopper screamed and ran away.

--X--

"Waaaah!" Sanji cried, twirling around the group of girls. "So many pretty girls!"

"Sir, I'm a lesbian." Sailor Neptune pointed out.

"Oh... uh..." Sanji stopped noodle-dancing. Sailor Moon giggled.

--X--

"May I see your panties?" Brook asked Samus politely.

Samus calmly socked Brook in the face then blasted him away with a missile.

--X--

"So what if you saved the entire world multiple times? _I _rescued the universe, became king of Sniper Island, ate an elephant for my afternoon snack, and kicked Lex Luthor's ass all while asleep and with my right hand tied behind my back!" Usopp said proudly.

Superman rolled his eyes.

--X--

"Look! Pikachu! It's a Zigzagoon!" Ash exclaimed, pointing at Chopper.

"Pika-chu!" Pikachu began charging up electricity.

Chopper screamed and ran away.

--X--

"Whoops." Nami coolly said, dumping Ed, Edd, and Eddys' bloody corpses overboard.

They had gotten on her nerves.

--X--

"YOU'VE GOTTA SHOW ME HOW TO DO THAT, ROBO-BRO!!!" Franky yelled in excitement, his eyes sparkling as he watched Optimus Prime transform.

--X--

"Hola!" Dora the Explorer waved to Robin. Robin blinked and raised her arms.

"Clutch!"

--X--

"Y-You're just creepy." Usopp shuddered.

"I find that offending, you know." Darth Vader said irritably.

--X--

"Nice hair, pharoah-bro." Franky grinned.

"...Thanks?" Yugi said uncertainly.

--X--

"Very good! Now stir the-"

"Stop telling me what to do, dammit! I_ know _how to cook!" Sanji gritted his teeth.

"Mama is not happy with your tone." Cooking Mama wagged her finger. Sanji banged his head against the counter.

--X--

"Hey there." Edward Cullen nodded to Robin and smiled a dazzlingly-dazzling smile. Robin blinked and raised her arms.

"Clutch!"

"EEK! EDDIE-KINS!" Bella shrieked.

"Clutch!"*

--X--

"POSER!" Luffy screamed, pummeling Mr. Fantastic into a pulp.

"_YOU'RE_ THE POSER, KID!" Mr. Fantastic yelled back, kicking Luffy.

An epic stretchy battle ensued.

--X--

Courage stared at Chopper. Chopper stared at Courage.

The both of them began screaming simultaneously and ran away from each other.

--X--

"Look, it's some weird Ghost-type afro pokemon!" Ash cried, pointing at Brook.

"Pika-chuuuu!" Pikachu zapped Brook.

--X--

"Heh. I could so kick your ass." Zoro smirked.

"You wanna bet?" Cloud said threateningly, pulling out his sword.

--X--

"They're both immature morons." Gwen sighed.

"I know how you feel." Nami patted her back sympathetically as they watched Ben and Kevin nearly fall overboard.

--X--

"Look, I don't care if you guys solved a bunch of mysteries or whatever. I'm _not _cooking you an all-you-can-eat buffet for you idiots... besides Miss Daphne and Miss Velma." Sanji said.

"Aw, that's like, totally unfair man!" Shaggy whined.

"Reah! Unfair!" Scooby nodded vigorously.

--X--

"TALKING MYSTERY SPONGE!" Luffy yelled in excitement, snatching up Spongebob with one hand.

"Hey! Let me go!" Spongebob began squirming.

"Hm... I wonder if it's edible..." Luffy mused.

--X--

Bambi ran up to Chopper joyfully. "Cousin! My long-lost cousin!"

"I'm a _reindeer, _you bastard!" Chopper yelled.

Bambi burst into tears and ran away.

--X--

"My I-can't-talk-to-the-creepy-spider-dude disease is acting up again..." Usopp muttered, sneaking away from Spiderman.

--X--

"May I see your panties?" Brook bowed to Zelda.

"Pervert." Zelda kicked him in the ribs.

--X--

"Leave me alone, dammit!" Zoro growled.

"But dude, we're probably long-lost brothers!" Beast Boy said.

"NO WE'RE NOT!!"

"Are you sure?"

"YES!" Zoro yelled. Beast Boy frowned and kicked Zoro in the shin before running off.

--X--

"... No. Your hair is stupid." Franky decided, examining Sasuke's chicken-butt hairstyle.

"Is it really that bad?" Sasuke asked, patting his hair.

"Yeah. It is, angsty-bro."

--X--

"Your nose resembles a Shen Gong Wu." Omi pointed out.

"Well, that's just rude!" Usopp said.

--X--

Chopper was running when he bumped into Kiba and Tsume, who were in wolf form.

Chopper screamed and ran away. The two wolves shrugged.

--X--

"You... are a fashion fail." Nami said, looking at Haruhi Suzumiya's school uniform.

"Says the girl with hair the color of a duck's foot!" Haruhi shot back.

Nami glared at Haruhi before slapping her. A catfight ensued (much to Sanji's delight).

--X--

"You _could _also sprout limbs within the body and tear your opponents from the inside out." Alucard suggested.

"I'll keep that in mind." Robin said.

The two went off to discuss other morbid and violent things.

--X--

"Oh, that's nothing. I killed a thousand of your so-called "Dark Wizards" without magic yesterday morning before breakfast with my eyes blindfolded!" Usopp said.

"Uh huh." Harry nodded doubtfully.

--X--

"May I see your panties?" Brook asked.

"Hey! I'm a male! Well, technically I _change _into a female sometimes but... you know what, forget it!" Ranma stalked away, leaving a very puzzled Brook.

--X--

"Aw, you're so cute!" Nami squealed, rubbing Inuyasha's furry ears.

"Works for me." Inuyasha shrugged.

--X--

"I'M BACK, BITCHES!" Naruto crowed, climbing back onto the ship.

Luffy knocked him off again.

--X--

And because the plot was filled with so much amounts of FAIL, the author was unable to finish the crossover story.

All the readers cried.

The end.

--X--

AN: *Yes, yes, I know that the Twilight vampires are invincible but ROBIN KICKS THEIR SPARKLY ASSES either way. So hah.  
... just for the record, I don't know about 1/4 of the fandoms mentioned ^^  
Can YOU name them all???  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	14. Relationships My Ass

AN: Because technically, romance would ruin Oda's career. Don't deny it.  
Please don't try to argue with me about pairing preferences. If you think I hate all these pairings, go skip to the AN at the end before reading this.

Relationships My Ass

_1) LuNa_

"Hey, guess what Nami." Luffy said.

"What?"

"Since I let you wear my hat a couple times, I love you. Let's go make out."

"'Kay. Let me slip into something sexier and more estrogen-packed first, though." Nami said.

"Okay."

_2) ZoRo_

"OMG you looked at me! That must mean you love me!" Zoro gasped.

"OMG you caught me when I fell! That must mean you love me!*" Robin gasped.

Then they went off to have a lot of lemons.

_3) SaNa_

"I... AM READY FOR COMMITMENT!" Sanji roared.

"Yaaay!" Nami cheered.

They began making out. Nami was on top (obviously).

_4) Frobin_

"You know you liked handling my -censored-, you naughty -censored- -censored- you!" Franky grinned.

"Sure. Oh, and I'm a dominatrix. Just a warning." Robin grinned back, pulling out her whip and furry handcuffs.

"Oka- wait, what are you... AH! STOP! STOP! AAAAAH!" Franky shrieked as Robin -censored- and -censored- him and then -censored- his -censored-.

_5) LuRo_

"Wait... what?"

_6) ZoNa_

"You're my bitch now, Zoro!" Nami cackled, tying him up.

"Gah!" Zoro yelled, struggling against his bonds. "Let me go!"

He secretly enjoys it.

_7) UsoNa_

"I think your nose is real sexy." Nami purred, running a finger up Usopp's chest.

Usopp had a heart attack right then.

_8) ChoRo_

"Ma'am, you're under arrest for pedophila and bestiality." a cop said, slapping cuffs on Robin.

"No! You cannot break our love! Nooooo!" Robin kicked and struggled, but the cop dragged her away.

"Noooo! Rooobeeeen!" Chopper screamed as a tanuki catcher came by and stuffed him into a cage.

And thus, a tale of two forbidden lovers was born.

--X--

AN: *I don't really see this as proof of Zoro's 'love' to Robin. What if Nami had caught her? Or Gan Fall (or whoever was with them... sorry, I forgot)? What then, huh? More RobinxNami, that's what.  
Just for the record, I totally support SaNa and Frobin. ZoNa and ZoRo are my second choices, and LuRo and LuNa are in third. UsoNa and ChoRo are waaay in the back seat... well, UsoNa is probably sharing the third row with ZoNa, since their interaction is quite amusing (especially in Davy Back Fight) :3  
As for UsoRo... no, I can't really see it.  
I suppose I'll have to make a chapter for slash pairings next, huh? *sigh*  
***Please try to keep the pairing war reviews to a minimum. You're welcome to share your own opinions, but don't try to change mine***  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	15. When Everyone is Gay

AN: Just to clear things up (and to deter the angry fangirls...) I don't have anything against slash. I'm not a homophobe, either. But, for the majority, I prefer het :/

When Everyone is Gay

_1) ZoLu_

"Oh, my darling Luffy!" Bishie-Zoro said, eyes sparkling. "My love for you is infinite!"

"My darling Zoro!" Bishie-Luffy swooned. "I love you too! Now let's go have some hawt buttsecks for the fangirls!"

_2) ZoSan_

"Hey, guess what? I'm gaaay." Sanji whispered in Zoro's ear.

"Liek, oh my gawd! I am too!!" Zoro gasped. "Let's go make out!"

The two linked arms and skipped off into the glorious homosexual sunset.

_3) ZoSopp_

"Eh... well, this is awkward." Zoro said.

"You think?"

_4) SanLu_

"Oh Luffyyyy, I have some meat here for you... right here... in the kitchen... yeah... here, let me lock the door...~"

_5) Sansopp_

"Um... yeah." Sanji said. "So I have the hots for you and stuff... you wanna make out?"

"Seriously?" Usopp smacked his forehead.

_6) LuSopp_

"Hey, Usopp! Let's go _fishing!" _Luffy winked, grinning.

"Okay! I'll go get the _bait _and _fishing poles_!" Usopp winked back.

"Yaay! We're going on a _fishing trip_!"

But seriously, they were just going fishing.

_7) NaVi_

"Hooray for fanservice!" Nami and Vivi cheered, making out in scanty clothing.

_8) RoNa_

"Hey Robin, you're fine with bondage, right?"

"No..."

"Too bad. We're doing this _my _way, bitch."

***

AN: Nami tops in any pairing. Seriously. Even if she was with, let's say, Mihawk or Kidd, she'd still top. And even Robin's DF powers are no use against Nami's natural seme-ness.  
Why? BECAUSE SHE IS NAMI!!!  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	16. Why Robin is Quiet All the Time

AN: This chapter is for those people who think Robin is too "boring" and "weak".  
coughmoronscough  
SHE'S NOT WEAK, DAMMIT! Just because she didn't get a bunch of bloody oh-look-at-me-I'm-so-strong battles like the Monster Trio doesn't make her a non-fighter. If you ask me, I think the reason why she doesn't fight that often is because then the battles would go by too quickly (look at Spandam...) and Luffy will be sad he didn't get to kick butt ._.  
And people need to stop complaining about the fact that Robin's bounty is higher than Sanji's. Personally, I hope it stays that way because it'll prove that someone can be higher than one of the Monster Trio at something.  
Nami, Chopper, and Usopp also need more battles...  
Sometimes, I really hate Oda. :(  
Ah, and I forgot to mention that Pumpkin Zucchini actually took that High School prompt from chapter 4! Yaaay!

Why Robin is Quiet All the Time

"You know, Robin hasn't said anything in a week." Nami said.

"Not like there's anything unusual about that." Usopp said. Nami kicked him.

"Seriously! She's just been sitting there, reading her book nonstop!" Nami motioned to Robin, who was reading in an armchair in the corner of the room. Usopp hopped around, clutching his bruised shin and firing off cusses faster than Kanye West. Nami ignored him."She's too quiet!"

"There's nothing unusual about tha- ow, stop that!" Usopp yelled as Nami kicked him again.

"Oiii. Robin. Robeeeeeeen." Luffy waved a hand in front of Robin's face. She didn't respond. "That's weird..."

"Why isn't Robin-chan saying anything?" Sanji poked her shoulder and she looked up. Usopp shrieked.

"Braaaaaaiiinzzzz..." Robin groaned, biting Sanji's hand.

"Aaaah! The bite of love!" Sanji whimpered as little crunch could be heard. Robin growled viciously.

"That explains so much." Nami facepalmed.

***

AN: There. THAT'S the reason why Robin is so quiet and morbid- she's secretly a zombie. Happy?  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated. Seriously, gaiz. Over 20 subs already, and half of those are sub'n'runners.  
._.


	17. Drama Drama Dramatized!

AN: This is what would happen if romance is canon.  
Warning: lots of crack...

Drama Drama Dramatized!

"Ohhh nooooo!" Nami wailed, bursting into the cabin. She threw herself upon the bed (dramatically, of course) and began wailing. "Waaaaah!"

"Is there something wrong?" Robin asked.

"Luffy DUMPED me!!" Nami sobbed.

"Isn't this the eighth time?"

"The ninth, actually." Nami sniffled. "Whyyyy? Whyyyy ooohhh whyyyy?!"

"Well, you _were _having an affair with Swordsman-san while _he _was cheating on you with me while I was cheating on him with Captain-san, which explains why Captain-san broke up with you because he had discovered your affair but then he discovered _my _affair with Swordsman-san and broke up with me, who was very confused about the whole thing and then-"

"Wait, _what?!" _Nami blinked rapidly.

"Cheer up. I broke up with Swordsman-san, so he's available now." Robin sat down beside Nami and patted her back.

"But we broke up too, after Luffy got mad at Zoro then I found out that Zoro was cheating on me with you and you were cheating on him, so everyone was SAD and ANGSTY!!!" Nami sobbed.

"Oh." Robin sighed. "Well, you could always try Cook-san..."

"Mellorine!" Sanji's muffled voice called directly from outside their door.

"You can't be serious." Nami deadpanned.

"...Mellorine?"

"GO AWAY! YOU'RE ONLY GOOD FOR THREESOMES WITH ONEE-SAN!!" Nami screamed, throwing her shoe at the door.

"Quite good indeed..." Robin looked off with a dreamy expression.

"Wake up!" Nami bitch-slapped Robin, but Robin didn't seem to mind.

"Ah, yes. Your little problem. Well, there's also Doctor-san, if you're into that kind of stuff."

Nami gaped at Robin. "Ewwwww!!!"

"Oh. Right. That's me." Robin rubbed the back of her neck. "How about Longnose-kun?"

"I was with him last week before I started cheating on him with Luffy and had an affair with Zoro behind Luffy's back. Usopp was upset about that affair within the affair within our relationship. We broke up DRAMATICALLY." Nami held her hand over her eyes, stretching out on the bed. "It was terrible."

"Well, the only available one left is Skeleton-san, since I'm busy rapi- I mean, _dating _Franky after he comforted me through my dramatized angst after my breakup with Swordsman-san."

"Super!" Franky shouted from outside the door. Nami ignored him.

"Brook?! Ewwwwww!!!" Nami wrinkled her nose.

Somewhere else on the ship, Brook suddenly burst into tears for mysterious reasons unknown.

"He's quite good, actually. I was dating him a few days ago." Robin casually said, examining her nails.

"...You're not serious."

"What do you think?"

"..."

***

AN: So what _do _you think? ... o_o  
New request for anyone to take: NamixSanjixRobin threesome. Can be fluff or smut, whichever floats yo boat. Come on, he deserves it. Why? Because, Sanji has already faced enough torture by sadistic fangirls and their keyboards of doom.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	18. Everyone But Nami is Crazy

AN: I don't think anyone's done it _this _badly, but...  
Warning- some yaoi and yuri. But just as a joke, y'know?

Everyone But Nami is Crazy

Nami entered the kitchen, thirsty and looking for a cup of water. She saw Sanji at the counter and tapped his shoulder. "Sanji-kun, may I have a drink?"

"Get some yourself, wench! I have a _date _with Zoro-chwan!" Sanji said proudly, putting on eyeliner and lipstick. He grabbed his purse and twirled away. "Ta-ta, byotch!"

Nami blinked. She blinked again.

That was... weird.

But she just shrugged it off, thinking Sanji was trying to do reverse psychology or something. Nami went outside and was startled to see Luffy lying in the middle of the deck. Quietly.

"Luffy, what're you doing?" Nami asked suspiciously, standing above him.

"There is no meaning of life." Luffy said glumly, eyes depressed. "Dreams are worthless. We're all going to die. Nothing has purpose. Taylor Lautner."

"Oh my god... that's horrible!" Nami gasped, clapping her hands over her mouth in shock. "What's the matter with you, Luffy?!"

"Why? Why must we endure this terrible reality we call existence?" Luffy began sniffling. "Why, oh why, were we cursed to our pitiful, meaningless lives? The darkness provides comfort... the darkness is my friend... yesssss..."

Nami slowly backed away from him and promptly bumped into Usopp. "Ah! Usopp! Get out of my way!"

"No! You stay out of _my _way, bitch!" Usopp snarled. His muscles seemed more bulgy than usual and his bloodshot eyes were wide with Chuck Norris-like fury that creeped the crap out Nami.

Nami gaped at him for a second before running away. Yes. Things _were _really weird.

"Hmph. Bitch couldn't handle mah man-muscles." Usopp smirked, flexing.

"Darknessssss..." Luffy hissed, curled up in a fetal position.

Meanwhile, Nami had fled to the aquarium bar. Chopper was rolling around on the floor, laughing hysterically.

"Chopper...?" Nami asked nervously, edging around the wall.

"Haahahahahaaa!" Chopper laughed, eyes wide. "We're all going to die! Diiiieee, I say! Ahahahahaaha!!!"

"OH MY GOD THAT IS WEIRD!" Nami shrieked, running outside again. She sprinted past Usopp, who was beating up Luffy for no apparent reason, and dove into her cabin. Nami slammed the door behind her, panting. She turned around and promptly shrieked again.

"Hello, Nami-chan."

"JEEZUS ROBIN WHAT THE HELL?!!?" Nami covered her eyes. "PUT ON SOME FREAKING CLOTHES!!"

"But I feel more comfortable without them... fufufufu..."

"KYAAAAAH! ROBIN'S A RAPIST!!!" Nami screamed to the heavens, fleeing from the room.

"Huh?" Franky poked his head out from the hatch, looking around.

"Franky! Everyone's gone insane! Sanji and Zoro are gay, Usopp is on steroids, Luffy is emo, Chopper... I don't know what the hell _he's _going on about, and Robin is a sexual predator! Help me!" Nami sobbed, clinging to Franky's jacket. There was silence. Nami looked up, puzzled. "Franky?"

"Oh. The author didn't read Water 7 yet, so I don't get a personality. Isn't that a shame?" Franky smiled a polite little smile that nearly resembled a pedosmile. Almost.

"DAMMIT! Ah... uh... BROOK! Where's Brook?!" Nami shook Franky.

"He's not here. The author didn't read Thriller Bark, either." Franky said.

"I bet the author didn't even read shit." Nami muttered. Her jaw dropped as she saw Zoro and Sanji skipping by, holding hands, both covered in what appeared to be body glitter so they sparkled in the sunlight. They were wearing nothing but skinny jeans and socks.

"Were they always that queer?" Franky asked.

"...you know what, I don't even know anymore." Nami pinched the bridge of her nose.

"_I_ don't know why the sun must shine its disgustingly happy rays upon our wretched souls." Luffy said, crawling by, covered in bruises and wounds from Usopp's beating. He began wailing dramatically, waving his arms about. "Ooohhhh daaaarknessss... take me in thy evil tendrrrrils..."

"APOCOLYPSE!! AHAHAHAAA!!!" Chopper's maniacal laughter carried out of the open aquarium room door. Usopp ran by, juggling several of Zoro's largest weights and making typical jock grunting noises.

"It _is _quite a shame I don't have a personality." Franky said.

"This is all just a bad dream though, right?" Nami asked, hugging herself tightly. "Right? RIGHT?"

Then she felt a pair of slender arms wrap around her waist.

"Hello, Nami-chan."

"KYAAAAAAAH!!!"

***

AN: *flail*  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	19. Why We Need Disclaimers

AN: Where... where did everyone go? ._.  
WARNING: self-insertion in this chapter. Oh, shut up. I'm bashing myself.

Why We Need Disclaimers

The author stretched out on a chair and took a chug from her bottle of soda noisily, smacking her lips like a chimpanzee. The rest of the Strawhats watched her from a distance. Zoro's hand was twitching toward his swords.

"So, guys, what should this chapter be about?" Amethyst Turtle asked, throwing her bottle at the wall for no apparent reason. The bottle shattered and glass shards sprayed everywhere, creating a danger of cutting someone's eye out.

"Why haven't you started yet? This is super boring." Franky yawned.

"Because, we haven't said the disclaimer yet. _Moron_." Amethyst Turtle coughed inconspiciously.

Franky pushed her off of the chair.

"Ow! Ah, whatever. So first, before we give the disclaimer, we need to have an incredibly long and obviously-not-funny conversation. Of course, only Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji can be in it because that's what the readers are looking for." Amethyst Turtle sighed. "But I'd rather have a talk with someone like... _Kumadori. _You guys are absolutely bland compared to his hair of awesomness."

"NEVER MENTION HIM AGAIN!!" Chopper screamed, running up and kicking the author repeatedly in the ribs with his adorably deadly little hooves.

"Ow! Ow! Okay, stop that!" Amethyst Turtle rolled away. She sat upright. "Okaaaay. What should we talk about?"

"If I may add something, Asshole-san." Robin spoke up.

"It's Amethyst."

"Yes, I'll keep that in mind. Asshole-san, you don't exactly _need _a disclaimer." Robin said.

"What?! OF COURSE I NEED ONE! If I don't, I'll get fined and be thrown to prison!" Amethyst Turtle exclaimed, flailing. "And the story wouldn't be complete without a conversation between me and the Monster Trio with me teasing them and them being embarassed and stuff and all that other gushy crap!"

"Bitch." Zoro said, kicking Amethyst Turtle. Sanji didn't protest, seeing as the author definitely wasn't his type.

"STOP KICKING ME!" the author shrieked. She coughed up some blood and scrambled onto the table, standing up. "Seriously, we should get on with the disclaimer before the readers get angry. We won't like it if they get angry..."

"We don't like it when _Nami _gets angry!" Luffy said happily. Nami socked him in the face.

"Really, you don't need a disclaimer." Usopp said. "Even I'm not as paranoid as you."

"I'm so... offended." Amethyst Turtle sniffled.

"Yohohoho! Look, everyone, she's crying." Brook calmly said.

"These are the tears of my anguished tweenage soul, that had been torn so cruelly from my wretched mortal body that-"

"You're babbling." Luffy pointed out.

"Yes, yes I am. Oh, look! We're starting a conversation! Sanji, Zoro, come join the pointlessness so we can get on with the story." Amethyst Turtle waved over to them.

"No. I don't feel like it." Zoro wandered away, presumably because it was his naptime.

"You're just... weird." Sanji backed away.

"Now's my chance! I DON'T OWN-"

"Really, you don't need a disclaimer, Asshole-san." Robin interrupted Amethyst Turtle. "Trust me."

"Well, since you _are _my favorite character... okay." the author said happily. She cleared her throat and began shouting to the skies. "HEY, GUESS WHAT BYOTCHES?? I OWN ONE PIECE! HEAR THAT? _I OWN ONE PIECE!!!_"

Instantly, a random bolt of lightning with a label that read "Oda Corp." on the side fell through the ceiling and struck the author, immediately killing her. Everyone stared at the sizzling body in shock.

"I guess I was wrong." Robin shrugged. "That's too bad." She discreetly nudged the body out the door with her toe.

"Robin, you killed her!" Nami said, staring at Robin in horror.

"Indirectly, of course."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"So, who wants fish for lunch?" Sanji broke the awkward silence.

"Me! Meeee! MEEE!" Luffy yelled, jumping up and down.

"Yaaay! Fish!" Chopper and Usopp cheered.

***

AN: Really, I don't see the need for disclaimers. It's not as if Oda will come to this site and check through every single story and sue the ones that don't have disclaimers.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.  
Sub'n'runners and Fave'n'runners will be cursed for the next eight generations.


	20. Luffy and His Bitches

AN: This might be cut shorter than I intended, maybe 25-30 chapters.  
I don't exactly support the Luffy harem. I don't think Luffy would be that interested...

Luffy and His Bitches

Luffy walked down the street, wearing a pimp robe. Several women clad in bikinis were clinging to him. Nami and Robin were among them, as were other female characters such as Vivi, Hancock, etc.

"Meaaaat." Luffy muttered, searching for a restaurant. His stomach grumbled and the women giggled.

"Is Luffy-kun hungry?" Nami asked, rubbing up against his arm. Luffy jumped.

"AHHH! Where'd you come from?! Why are you people following me?!" Luffy shouted, finally noticing them.

"We're your harem, of course." Robin said, holding his other arm. Luffy shrugged off his pimp robe and began running away.

"After him!" Hancock shouted.

"STOP FOLLOWING ME!!" Luffy screamed as the women began chasing him.

"But we're your bitches, Luffy-kun!" They all squealed, hearts in their eyes.

"I don't want bitches! I want MEAT!!" Luffy yelled back, jumping up to a building. Unfortunately, Vivi dragged him back down with a peacock slasher (without cutting him, of course).

"Luffy-kun! Don't be so difficult!" Vivi pouted.

"GAAAAAH!" Luffy yelled, jumping away from the crowd of scantily-clad women and making his escape.

--X--

"So did you hear?" Zoro was sitting at the counter while Sanji was cooking dinner. "Luffy got some bitches."

"WHAT?" the fish Sanji was flipping flew up in the air and out the door, soaring out of sight. Somehow. Sanji whipped around and stared at Zoro. "WHAT?"

"Take that damn cotton out of your ears, idiot!" Zoro shouted.

"WHAT? COTTON? OH!" Sanji pulled some cotton plugs out of his ears. "So what were you saying?"

"Luffy got bitches."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" Sanji said incredulously.

"Well, a bunch of women in danger of having their super-boobs knock someone unconscious are attempting to drag Luffy away to bed." Zoro calmly said.

Sanji burst into tears and curled up on the floor, wailing. "W-whyyyy?? So _unfaaaair!" _

--X--

"STOP FOLLOWING ME!" Luffy yelled as he approached the ship. He paused. "Well, except for Nami and Robin, since they're my nakama. And Vivi, I guess. As for the rest of you, GO AWAY!"

"But many fanboys are already writing fics in which I join!" Hancock said.

"I'm... just... here, I suppose." Conis said uncertainly.

"I don't even know what _I'm _doing here!" Camie said cheerfully.

"I had a crush on you, so I guess I count." Alvida shrugged.

"I touched your kinta- ow!" Marguerite cried out as Hancock kicked her into being silent.

"It's weird, though. One moment I was in Cocoyashi, then the next second- poof! I'm in a bikini chasing you around with a bunch of other skanks!" Nojiko said, obviously confused. She began walking away. "Well, it's been nice seeing you Nami."

"Bye, Nojiko!" Nami waved. There were several other female characters in the harem, but they weren't of any importance. Just to fill in space, y'know.

"Um, I think he's gone..." Robin said, pointing to the spot where Luffy once stood.

"AAAH! AFTER HIM!!!" Everyone else screeched, stampeding onto the ship.

--X--

"Ow, super supah supeeeer~" Franky sang to himself, whistling. He walked across the deck and heard a rumbling... no, more like the sound of dozens of needles stabbing the ground. He turned around and his eyes widened. There was a horde of half-naked women in ridiculously spiky heels sprinting toward him. How strange.

"UWAAAAAH!" Franky bellowed as he was trampled by the women.

"Woops! Sorry, Franky!" Nami called over her shoulder.

"S-s-super..." Franky mumbled before falling unconscious.

--X--

"IS LUFFY IN HERE?" Hancock asked loudly, kicking a door open. Usopp shrieked and jumped up. He shrieked again when he saw all the women before him.

"Ah! Um, uh, hello, ladies. The Great Captain Usopp is always-"

"NOPE. NOT IN HERE." Hancock shut the door.

Usopp sighed and sat down. He wiped a tear of rejection away from his eye.

--X--

"Vivi! You're back! Vivi!" Chopper squealed with happiness when he saw Vivi running towards him. He stopped jumping up and down when he noticed all the other women behind her. "Eh?! What's going on? Nami, Robin, why are you-"

"OUT OF MY WAY, SMALL CREATURE!" Hancock punted him, and Chopper flew high up into the sky.

"Stop taking up all our screentime, dammit!" Nami smacked Hancock. Hancock smacked her back. They were just about to get into a fanservice catfight but Robin separated them.

"Remember, our objection is _Luffy." _Robin said, holding them away from each other.

"...Hmph. Fine." Hancock sniffed. The harem continued its hunt for Luffy.

Meanwhile, Chopper hurtled back to the deck and bounced a few times before coming to a stop, miraculously unharmed. He slowly stood up and looked around. Chopper scratched his head.

"That was odd..."

--X--

"Yohohoho! So many panties!" Brook laughed giddily as the women ran by. Blood was spurting out of his nose at an alarming rate, forming a rather pretty fountain.

"LUFFY-KUN!!" the women squealed as they found him hiding under his bed. They dragged him out of his hiding spot as Luffy desperately tried to pull himself free.

"Noooo!" Luffy screamed as his harem slowly smothered him. "Saaave meeee... meaaaat..."

--X--

"So, did you hear? Luffy's bitches pretty much raped him." Zoro said.

"WHAT?!" Sanji yelled.

"Dammit, you and your cotton fetish!"

"Shut up! My earplugs aren't in. I meant what the hell does that mean?"

"Well, Luffy wouldn't cooperate with them, so they had to use force." Zoro shuddered.

"Lucky bastard..." Sanji muttered.

"I heard that the bitches are looking for another vict- I mean, _lover_, since they used up Luffy already." Zoro hinted.

"MELLORINES, HERE I COME!!" Sanji bellowed, flying out of the kitchen.

"Heh... sucker." Zoro snickered.

--X--

AN: And that's why Luffy shouldn't have a harem.  
Challenge (free for anyone to take): a ChopperxHarem crackfic. I'm craving some crack. Not _that _kind, mind you...  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	21. The Angsty Trio

AN: These three seem to be the main targets for angst (particularly angsty slash...).  
Those crazy foaming-at-mouth fangirls are also getting on my nerves. I met a rabid Sanji fangirl who said she hated Nami because "the bitch stole her man" and that she supposedly "killed Robin."  
How sad.  
I don't mind fangirls, but I do mind _fangirl _fangirls.

The Angsty Trio

"What's wrong with those three idiots?" Nami whispered, pointing at Sanji, Luffy, and Zoro. They were sitting around a table, their faces smooshed against the white surface.

"Angst." Robin whispered back.

"Seriously? AGAIN?!" Nami yelled in frustration. She strode over to the three boys and began kicking them viciously. "GET UP! GET UP, YOU... YOU..."

"Mothaf***ing b*****es who can't even do **** right and ****ed up their ****ing lives?" Robin suggested.

"Yeah! What she said!" Nami said.

"Ooooh..." Sanji groaned. He began crying.

"What's the point anymore?" Zoro asked dully.

"My poor wittle tormented soul!" Luffy cried.

"Why are you even angsting?" Usopp, who happened to be passing by, asked.

"Well, I realized that Nami-san and Robin-chan will never love me. And I'm possibly gay." Sanji sighed.

"I realized that I'll always be weak and you guys will hate me forever and ever and EVER due to inexplicable plotholes and poorly planned storylines." Zoro said.

"I'm pregnant!" Luffy bawled.

"...Sorry I asked." Usopp walked away.

"This is so stupid!" Nami slapped her forehead.

"Oi, Zoro, wanna make out?" Sanji asked sadly, turning to him.

"Ask that again and I'll cut your balls off and donate them to Brook." Zoro growled.

"... Okay. Luffy?" Sanji turned to Luffy.

"No. I think I'll go perform an abortion with a hanger." Luffy stood up and trudged to the men's cabin.

"I'll stop him." Robin went after him.

Nami stood above the two angsty men. She sighed. "Look, you guys. Life isn't _all _that bad."

"Noooooo! You're wroooong!" Sanji wailed. He suddenly stood up, sprinted across the deck, and jumped overboard.

Splash!

"O-kaaay." Nami said. "Zoro?"

"DON'T TALK TO ME! I CAN SEE THE _HATRED _IN YOUR EYES!!" Zoro sobbed in despair, covering his face.

"This is hopeless." Nami facepalmed. There was some shouting from the men's cabin. Nami ran over to see what was wrong.

Luffy was attempting to eat a hanger and Robin was trying to pry the metal wire out of his hands.

"That's not how you do it, Captain-san!" Robin said helplessly.

"THE BABY WILL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT MEEEEEE!!" Luffy bawled. With one final shove, he stuffed the hanger down his throat where it stretched his neck into a flat triangle shape. Luffy blinked. "Is... is the baby gone?"

"Um... yes, Captain-san. The deed has been done." Robin patted his back.

"Good." Luffy spat out the hanger and promptly fell over, fast asleep.

"Those three need extensive therapy." Robin decided, covering Luffy's face with a handkerchief.

"Obviously. Oh, and Sanji drowned himself." Nami said casually.

"It was really that bad?"

"Yup."

"Oh. Shouldn't we at least try to recover his waterlogged corpse?"

"Nah. He'll come back to life by a bad plot device sooner or later." Nami waved it off.

"Very logical."

***

AN: I didn't mean to kill Sanji. Honest! ._.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	22. The Plagiarized Story of Woe

AN: Something seems to be driving the number of readers away with each chapter. Was it something I said? ._.  
This chapter was from a suggestion from dandy wonderous a while back, I think. So thanks, dandy!

The Plagiarized Story of Woe

And so the story began with Luffy stuffed in a barrel, an annoyingly shrill boy working for an even more annoyingly shrill woman (who was ugly beyond SIN), and an angsty, beautiful, busty, powerful, 500,000,000,000 bounty girl doing whatever.

Sounds familiar? No? Good. Keep it that way.

"This place is shiiit." the girl said, being all angsty and whatnot. "My life is shiiiit. The ocean is shiiiiit. That ship is shiiiiit."

Angst.

Anyways, she turned around to see Luffy doing his thing and lecturing Coby or something like that.

"And that is why dreams will forever be IN YOUR HEART!" Luffy said.*

"Wow! I suddenly realized the meaning of life! Thanks, Luffy!" Coby said.

"You people are shiiiiit." Miss Angst (as we will refer to her from now on) said, walking up to them.

"Holy tamole-on-a-deep-fried-bun! Join my crew!" Luffy said, awed by the girl's incredible angst.

"NNNNOOOOO!!1!!1!" Miss Angst screamed with raw FURY.

"B-but why?!" Luffy blubbered.

"PIRATES ARE SHIIIIIT!" Miss Angst screeched.

A lengthy discussion about Miss Angst's not-so-mysterious past followed, topped with a ridiculously corny speech about dreams and nakama from Luffy.

Then Alvida showed up, bringing her ugly with her.

"YOU LOOK LIKE SHIIIIIIT!" Miss Angst yelled. She then whipped out her forty katanas and blasted Alvida away with an incredible blast of energy and power that no one, not even Jackie Chan himself, can match.

Alvida died, unexpectedly.

"Whoa! How on earth did you do that?!" Luffy asked, his eyes going _kyun_!

"I ate the Angst Angst Fruit." Miss Angst said, finally speaking coherently. "It gives me the power to do everything in a bout of glorious angst."

"What about your swords?" Luffy asked.

"I am the inventor of the Fortytoryuu swordstyle. That means I can use forty swords at once." Miss Angst said.

"Now you _really _hafta join my crew!" Luffy said.

"Hm. I suppose I can, since I have realized that not all pirates are bad even though you didn't do shiiiit. So yes, I will join your crew." Miss Angst said, putting her forty swords back in their sheaths.

"Yaay!" Luffy cheered. And so Miss Angst and Luffy set off in search of One Piece, in case you didn't know.

Coby drowned at some point, so he will no longer be in the story.

--X--

"Ohmygawd that's Zoro. HE'S DA SHIIIIIIT!" Miss Angst squealed when she saw Zoro all tied up.

"In a good way or bad?" Luffy asked.

"Good, duh!" Miss Angst rolled her soulful, deep, ever-changing eyes that held so many mysteries about her not-so-mysterious past of angst.

"Oh ho ho ho! Look at me! I'm a pompous bastard who enjoys stepping on rice cakes!" Helmeppo laughed. He kicked Zoro.

"DON'T TOUCH MY ZOROOO!" Miss Angst screeched, decapitating Helmeppo with her forty swords. She untied Zoro, then Axe Hand Morgan showed up.

"Who dares oppose my awesomness?" Axe Hand Morgan roared.

Miss Angst beat him up with the power of ANGST.

"Woah! Even though I didn't get to do a single thing, I think you're still da shit!" Luffy kyun-ed.

"I'm aroused." Zoro said, equally awed.

"Well, that's perfectly natural. It's a part of my Angst Angst powers." Miss Angst said quite modestly.

Quite modest indeed.

Then there was stuff about Nami, who the author had completely forgotten to add in the beginning.

Miss Angst killed Buggy with her powers of angst.

And stuff about Usopp.

Miss Angst killed Kuro with her forty swords.

--X--

"Welcome to the Baratie!" some random waiter said, ushering the five pirates in.

"This place is shiiiit." Miss Angst yawned, still being angsty. Then she saw Sanji, who was running at her.

"O BEAUTIFUL GODDESS OF THY BUSTY GLORIOUSNESS!!" Sanji bellowed, stretching foward to hug Miss Angst and completely ignoring Nami in the process (not that Nami minded, or anything).

"SHIIIIT!!" Miss Angst screamed, quickly pummeling Sanji into a pulp as punishment for his blatant sexism.

"I'm still aroused, by the way." Zoro said.

Everyone ignored him.

"Oi, you, join my crew!" Luffy said to Sanji. Then suddenly Don Krieg showed up.

"Bwahaha! I will take over this restaurant now because I am teh pwnz!" Don Krieg laughed evilly.

"Oh no you won't!" Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji prepared to fight. Usopp and Nami weren't doing anything, because they can't do shiiiiit.

BUT THEN in an amazing twist of events, Miss Angst killed Don Krieg before the three fighters could even blink.

"Hmph. He was getting on my nerves." Miss Angst said casually, painting her nails.

"WHOA! YOU IS TEH PWNZ!!1!" the five other Strawhats said.

"Oh, I blush!" Miss Angst blushed modestly.

Before Miss Angst and the rest of what's-their-faces could get to that part with Vivi and Laboon and stuff, the author inexplicably ran out of ideas and decided to put the story on permanent hiatus.

Not that anyone cared.

--X--

AN: *Yeah, I know that people use the actual lines from the manga (plagiarism... cough) but I didn't bother going back to look.  
Besides... I... uh... neverreadEastBlue. There. I said it.  
Yes, the horrifying truth is, I started watching One Piece around Arabasta and didn't really get into it until Skypeia (which CN was airing Saturday nights, Funimation). I just know bits and pieces of what happened in East Blue by the One Piece Wiki and whatnot. My OP obsession really didn't start until I looked back on Wikipedia after two years of not thinking about One Piece at all, and I was all like "who the hell are Franky and Sogeking?!"  
And yeah. :3  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.  
Fear my sheep eye. e_O


	23. Daughters and Whatnot

AN: FEEL FREE TO SKIM OVER MY POINTLESS BABBLING. 8D  
I just saw some of the newest Funi dubbed OP clips and ohmaigodnowai. They did an amazing job, and don't try to tell me otherwise, you Japanaholics or whatever you sub-crazy people are called. I love both sub and (Funi)dub, so hah.  
You know, if 4kids never got a hold of One Piece then it'd probably be more popular than Naruto here in the west. After all, One Piece ranks as high as Dragonball in Japan now (I think). I tried reading the latest chapter of Naruto Shippuden and I'm like... WTH? SasuNaru much?? HOW does Kishimoto not see that blatant yaoi fodder?!  
Speaking of latest chapters, did anyone here read chapter 577 yet? I won't say anything, but... ODA WTH ARE YOU DOING?! I really want to kick Luffy right now just to snap him out of his comatose state. He's been mourning long enough. Oh, I sound so insensitive...  
AND I finally noticed that Satirical Lulz was mentioned on the ArlongPark forums (I was googling Satirical Lulz for no particular reason...) so I guess people _do _read it, they just don't review. Ah, well, I'm cool with that as long as I know I'm not doing a crappy job. So to you non-reviewers, hi! *wave*  
'Kay, I'm done ranting. Sorry for the ridiculously fat author's note that had absolutely nothing to do with this chapter.

Daughters and Whatnot

It was the year something-or-other, during the Second Third Whatever Age of Pirates or something along those lines. Miraculously, the author had decided to spare the now-adult Luffy from a plothole-ridden execution and instead decided to pair up everyone.

Additionally, shockingly, surprisingly, wtf-ingly, the author didn't make one of the Monster Trio pregnant, so the story proved to be less popular than normal standards.

Oh well.

And so the story began with bustier versions of Nami and Robin sitting somewhere in the middle of Mary Sue Suburbia, talking about things that no one really cared about like politics and economics.

"Mommy! I'm a genius just like you, and I'm extraordinarily peppy!" a little girl with blue eyes and blue hair said.

"That's nice." Robin said.

"Mom, I'm feeling angsty again." a taller girl with green hair and blue eyes said.

"Go tell your father that." Robin said.

"LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS!" Zoro shouted from somewhere in the house. Another little girl with black hair streaked with orange crawled up to Nami.

"Mommy! One of my other sisters who I never bothered learning her name is bothering me again!" the girl whined.

"Jeezus, just tell her to piss off!" Nami sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

And yet _another _girl came up to them.

"Mommy, I'm hungry."

"I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER, GODDAMMIT!" Nami shrieked.

"Oh, right." the girl, who had blue eyes and curly eyebrows, turned to Robin. "Mommy, I'm hungry."

"Don't tell me, go tell your father." Robin said. The girl nodded and walked away.

If you couldn't guess, even more young girls walked up to the two women.

"Oi." a lanky girl with orange hair mottled with green poked Nami's shoulder. "One of them is being annoying."

"Like I care! It's always about this and that, _Mommy, Mary Sue is being annoying, Mary Sue just shit her pants, Mary Sue won't stop bothering me!_ GO SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS FOR ONCE, GIRLS!" Nami screamed.

All of the children with orange hair of some variation quickly left.

"Kids these days." Nami sighed.

"What I want to know is how _that _thing came into existence." Robin pointed to a little girl with a blue nose and antlers.

"HOLY CRAP SINCE WHEN HAS THAT BEEN HERE?!" Nami jumped in her seat.

"Mommy... I feel unloved..." the creature sniffled.

"I never even went near Chopper!" Robin said in exasperation.

"As far as we know..." Nami snickered. Her face became solemn. "You know, it's odd though. We each had four-"

"Five."

"...er, yeah. Five children, and yet all of them are girls. Where the hell did the testosterone go??" Nami tugged at her hair.

"Like I should know." Robin said in a rather out of character moment, poking the reindeer-girl away with a long branch.

"And why did we even have babies with all of our crewmates? I don't love them like _that_!"

As if on cue, the seven men of the crew came out of the house, arguing amongst each other with little girls clinging onto them.

"No, Luffy, that's _my _kid! Give her back!" Zoro said, snatching a green-haired blue-eyed child off of Luffy's shoulders.

"Then that one's mine!" Luffy grabbed a short one.

"Well, we all know that these two are my children." Sanji smiled. The two girls holding his hands had curly eyebrows.

"I only have one..." Usopp said, rather disappointed. The little girl holding his hand kicked him in the shin and ran to Nami's side. "Besides the one back at Syrup Village with Kaya, of course. And possibly one with that crazy Lolita girl at Thriller Bark."

"Don't feel bad, Nose-bro. I only have one, too!" Franky flashed him a thumbs-up, the blue-eyed blue-haired girl tucked under his other arm like a football.

"Oi, that looks like my kid!" Zoro swapped two girls with Luffy.

"Noooo, because that one has _my _eyes and that one has _your _hair." Luffy said, trading them back.

"Then who the hell is this??" Zoro held up a girl with blue-green hair and glasses.

"Um... my mommy is Sergeant Tashigi..." the little girl said timidly.

"Holy shit!" Zoro dropped the girl. He looked behind Luffy. "Oi, I think you have an extra one."

"Eh? Where'd you come from?" Luffy asked the the beautiful-in-a-creepy-way girl.

"My mommy is Boa Hancock." the little girl sniffed.

"Since when?!?"

"Yohohoho! Do _I _have any children?" Brook asked expectantly.

"No. No, you don't." Robin said coldly. Brook burst into tears and ran back into house.

And then the author lost track of all the daughters and decided to get rid of most of them through the power of adoption and child services.

***

AN: Gosh... that chapter made no sense whatsoever...  
But seriously, I've hardly seen children of the Strawhats that were boys. Not that I'm saying I want to see one. I don't. I don't support second generations, because that always includes pairings and/or self-insertions and/or Mary Sues.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	24. Because of the Author

AN: Oi. New story. Go read. Nao.  
But seriously, we really need some feedback on that one because it took Pumpkin Zucchini and me two friggen weeks of blah and whatnot to finish collaborating on that behemoth.

Because of the Author

"Well, it looks like the author's inspiration has really fell into the deep crevasses of hell." Robin said.

"That's depressing." Zoro sighed, lifting weights and sleeping and drinking at the same time.

"The fact that you're lifting weights and sleeping and drinking at the same time only shows how _cliche _this story has become." Robin sighed and threw her book overboard. "There. I broke the cliche by doing something ridiculously out of character." She suddenly realized that the book had been worth millions. "Oh, shit!"

"Hur dur." Luffy guffawed, banging his head against a wall for no apparent reason.

"And Luffy is being even more of an idiot than usual, an obvious misenterpretation from the bumbling moron of an author." Nami added in. She suddenly bulked up in size and went on a rampage. "NAMI SMASH! NAMI SMASH GOOD!"

"I have a feeling this story will become a 'great success'." Robin rolled her eyes. "So far, I was seen reading a book, Swordsman-san is lifting weights, Nami went on a PMS-induced rage, and Captain-san is braindead... apparently. The necessary start of every good fanfic."

"OhmygawdIhavedialogue!" Usopp squealed with excitement. He began waving his arms around. "Yaaaay!"

"Hm... should I kick Zoro or kiss him? Robin-chan, do you know if this is a yaoi story or not?" Sanji asked.

"No. But, either way, we'll be sure to scrape in incomprehensible reviews along the lines of "update soon plz!" or "dis is da shit!" or "funny lol!" We have come to a dark age of idiots." Robin said darkly.

"Hur duuuur!" Luffy began flopping around like a fish.

"My point exactly." Robin nodded.

"Well, since the author hasn't made up her mind... MARIMO!" Sanji kicked Zoro.

"ERO-COOK!" Zoro and Sanji began fighting.

Their fight took up half the story.

Because it was hilarious and everyone loves to read repetetive arguments between the two zomg bishies!!1!

"Super!" Franky said, running by.

"Oh joy. The story is going to be a hit for sure." Robin said sarcastically. "All we need is a hot man-smut and the number of reviews will skyrocket higher than Lady Gaga's popularity."

Then Zoro and Sanji began doing what yaoi fangirls fantasize them doing.

About a thousand reviews (most of which read *nosebleed* or something equally clever and witty) were immediately submitted, thanks to the power of mansecks.

"Why do I have the feeling that this is just another poorly written story that the author is much too proud of?" Nami asked, having returned to normal. Sort of.

"Fourth wall." Chopper whispered. He backed away and shut the door.

Everyone stared at the spot where Chopper once stood.

"... Anyways... where's Brook?" Nami asked.

"Must we go over this again?" Robin sighed. "It's the AUTHOR. It's always the AUTHOR."

"Oh."

***

AN: Don't forget. e_e  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	25. If Luffy Was Romantic

AN: Honestly, I don't support any Luffy pairings whatsoever.  
I don't see how fangirls can imagine him to be Sanji-esque (romantic and suave). Luffy is anything but suave. Or romantic.  
HIS LOVE BELONGS TO MEAT AND ADVENTURE. NOT YOUR SELF-INSERTIONS.

If Luffy was Romantic

"Hmmhmhmhm... looks like another great day of being seme..." Luffy chuckled suavely to himself as he woke up. He got out of bed and tapped Zoro's shoulder.

"What the hell do you want, Luffy?" Zoro groaned, opening one eye.

"Kiss me, darling." Luffy puckered his lips and leaned foward.

"WHAT THE FLYING FUCKING FISHPASTE?!?" Zoro yelled. He shoved Luffy away and flipped the bed over, trapping himself beneath it. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Oh dear, someone's quite shy. Hmmhmhmhm..." Luffy chuckled. The bed began to slowly move as Zoro carried it away on his back. Luffy shrugged and left the men's cabin. He went to the kitchen where Sanji was preparing breakfast.

"Sanji darling, make me some _meat_." Luffy whispered, leaning over Sanji's shoulder.

"HOLY SH-!!" Sanji jumped away from Luffy, slightly traumatized. "Is that meant to be taken out of context, you sick bastard?!"

"That's up to you, darling. Hmmmhmhmh..." Luffy chuckled.

"Go bother someone else with your sex addiction! I'm straight! _Straight!_ And it's NOT sexual tension, dammit! Gaaah!" Sanji stormed off, ranting about how fans misinterpreted every single thing he did to be gay and utterly homosexual.

Luffy sighed. Maybe it wasn't such a great day of being seme. Then he saw Nami sitting at the table. She had seen the whole scene.

"Okay, now I'm officially freaked out." Nami said, closing her mouth.

"Oh Nami darling, would _you _like some meat?" Luffy slid over to her, grinning in his normal sexy manner.

Normal.

Apparently.

Nami stared at Luffy. "NOOOO THANKS." She stood up and quickly left.

"Wait! Come back, my love!" Luffy went after her but bumped into Usopp.

"Whoops! Sorry, Lu- wha- AH! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU SICKO!" Usopp shouted, scrambling away from Luffy's groping... erm... hat?

"I'm captain! You're all my ukes!" Luffy pouted, stomping his feet. He pranced over to Robin, who was being all lazy and whatnot beneath an umbrella.

"Guess what? I like older women." Luffy whispered in her ear.

"Oh? Well, I can kill people with my bare hands." Robin whispered back, smiling in a rather eerie manner.

"..."

Luffy quickly ran away from Robin. He found Franky on the upper deck, doing his thang.

"OH CRAP IT'S LUFFY!" Franky quickly stopped doing his thang and ran off, presumably to hide from the sex-depraved boy.

"Nooo! Come back, my love!" Luffy cried. The tears of angst and anguish stopped flowing when he found Chopper playing on the swing. "Chopper, my darling! Kiss me!"

"EIEEEEIAAAAAH!!" Chopper screamed with terror, sprinting away from Luffy.

Luffy turned to Brook hopefully.

"NOO NO NO NO!!!" Brook laughed, running after Chopper.

Luffy plopped down on the floor dejectedly. He began sniffling. "No one loooves meeee... waaah..."

The entire crew hesitantly emerged from their various hiding spots (Zoro fell down from the sky. How he got up there will remain a mystery). They slowly approached their crying seme-captain.

"Luffy, you need help." Sanji finally said.

"LOTS of help." Nami nodded.

"Perhaps I can be of assistance?" Robin smiled, her arms drenched in blood for oh-dear-who-knows-why.

"NOOOO!" Franky screamed, waving his arms frantically. Robin muttered something and stalked away, licking the blood off her fingers.

"Luffy, it's not that we don't don't love you. If we don't don't _don't _love you, but did did did _did _did didn't _didn't _love you-"

"That's enough, Usopp." Zoro said, slapping the boy.

"What we are trying to say is that we love you, but not _that _way, Luffy-san." Brook said.

"Please stop trying to rape us." Chopper added in timidly.

"Do you guys really mean it?" Luffy sniffled, wiping his eyes.

Everyone nodded.

"Well... I _guess _I can last without romance for another couple of days." Luffy pondered. His face lit up. "Oh! And did I mention that Trafalgar Law and Eustass Kidd are coming to visit for inexplicable reasons that will only lead to a bunch of plotless and meaningless mansecks???"

Everyone screamed in horror and ran away.

***

AN: Okay, to be honest with everyone here, I didn't love Ace. I didn't hate him either. I only sort of _liked _him. He was just... there. For me, anyways. I guess I'm just not that deeply interested in those popular powerhouses that fangirls are always going on about. Which is why Usopp will always be my favorite male *A*  
Sanji comes at a close... but Chopper is even closer. HAH.  
Oh, and Robin is fun to write as a psycho killer. Just adding that in there.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.  
Fangirls screaming at me "WHY DO U NOT LURVE ASCE?!? HE IS TEH SEXORZ!!1!" will be disregarded. Just sayin'.


	26. Review or Die

AN: I iz teh pwnz.  
No, but seriously. The final chapter is pretty close. I'm not going to make the same mistake I did with Generic Exaggeration and drag this out for more than thirty chapters.

Review or Die

Sanji glanced up from whatever he was cooking. Since that subject was not deemed worthy, the author didn't bother elaborating on _what _he was cooking, leading the readers to speculate if Sanji was cooking something unpleasant like... a casserole. "Does anyone else feel as if the fourth wall has been breached?"

"Yup." Zoro answered.

"Well... that's not supposed to happen, is it?" Sanji asked tentatively.

"How the hell should I know? Maybe the author is too much of a moron to figure out what she's doing wrong." Zoro said irritably.

_Psst... I need more reviews._

"Holy Dakota Fanning! What the hell was that?!" Usopp shouted, jumping out of his seat. "Did anyone else hear that??"

"Yup." Zoro said. He abrubtly fell asleep since the author forgot that he is _not_, in fact, narcoleptic.

_I need more reviews, gaiz_.

"Asshole-san returns." Robin said darkly.

"Who?" Luffy asked.

"Remember? That idiot who's writing about you idiots, excluding Robin and I. Who are not the idiots. You're the idiots." Nami said redundantly. "Idiots."

_Five hundred reviews, please._

"That's unreasonable and extraordinarily greedy!" Chopper yelled at the ceiling.

_Who asked you?_

"The fourth wall! It has been shattered! AYEEYEYEYEYE!" Sanji shrieked in an out-of-character moment, throwing whatever he was cooking, assumed to be a casserole, out of the window and jumping out after it.

"That was weird." Franky scratched his head.

_More reviews, please._

"STOP IT! YOU'RE MESSING UP THE ORDER OF THE UNIVERSE OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES!!" Nami screamed.

"I'm scared..." Brook whispered. Suddenly, Franky blew up into a thousand pieces of sparkly dust.

"Ooohhh nooooes!" Robin cried, since it was obvious she had a thing for him. No one else was shown mourning to enunciate the presumed fact that Robin wanted to get in Franky's pants. Er, speedos. And no one else probably cared. "Fraaaanky!!!"

_Review or else they die, bitches_.

"You're a murderer! Murdererrrr!!!" Chopper screamed.

"Why are you killing _us_?!" Usopp shouted. "We didn't do anything!"

_On the contrary. You failed to get me reviews_.

"Because you're doing a crappy job of writing stories!" Zoro said angrily.

He blew up.

"Zoro darling?" Sanji poked his head inside. He saw the pile of dust on the floor. Sanji fell to his knees and began wailing. "Noooo! My dear homosexual lover! Nooooo!"

"This is so unfair!" Nami shouted. "You're just too much of an immature bitch to realize that people aren't reviewing because-"

She blew up.

"I'm sensing a pattern here." Robin muttered.

_Review, plz._

"THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY??" Usopp yelled.

"Yohohoho!" Brook laughed, since he laughs at the most inappropriate moments.

Obviously.

_Review or else they die. Plz._

"You're an idiot. Polite, but an idiot." Luffy said. He cracked his knuckles. "Come out here so I can beat the crap out of you."

"The fourth wall doesn't work that way, Luffy." Sanji sighed, collecting Zoro and Namis' dust into a jar.

_Now I need six hundred reviews._

"SIX HUNDRED?! THAT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAND!!!"

Usopp blew up.

_If you don't review, they die._

"Thou ruttish folly-fallen puttock!" Brook said bravely. "Plus, thou currish knotty-pated mammet!"

"... What?" Chopper stared at Brook in confusion.

"And your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese." Brook finished off his tirade of evil Shakespearean insults with satisfaction. "Yohohoho! My tongue is tingling from all this naughty language! But I have no tongue! Yohohoho! SKULL JO-"

Brook blew up.

_Review, plz._

"So now that's Franky, Zoro, Nami, Usopp, and a Shakespearean Brook." Luffy said, counting off on his fingers. "Five dead people."

Sanji blew up.

"Make that six." Chopper said.

_I SAID REVIEW! REVIEWWWW!!1!_

"So it goes down to the three of us." Robin said.

"How about this? I'll _kill _you guys myself, so the author can't get to you!" Chopper smiled, brandishing a large knife.

"... Thou art as fat as butter." Robin said.

_Why aren't I getting a thousand reviews?_

"Because you're an idiot." Luffy said.

_Oh._

Luffy blew up.

"WHAT WILL THAT SOLVE, YOU MORON?!" Chopper screamed in frustration.

_Well, if I kill everyone, people will review, right?_

Robin sighed and facepalmed. "Just kill me now, so I won't have to suffer from your idiocy anymore."

She blew up.

_Okay. Now I wait for the reviews._

Chopper looked at his knife. He looked at the piles of dust. He looked at his knife. Chopper shrugged.

He jumped overboard.

_... Reviews, plz?_

_***_

AN: The order in which they were killed off by the greedy and desperate review-whore is completely irrelevant to the Strawhats I like most. I don't dislike any of them, by the way. Just making that clear. And that fourth-wall breacher isn't Asshole-san (aka me) despite what Robin said. I don't kill off characters for the angsty pleasure of angsty readers.  
And Shakespearean insults are fun to look up. The one that Robin said is actually there. People were quite spicy-tongued back then. XD  
REVIEW OR DIE!  
Nah, just kidding with ya. :P


	27. Timidly Uke Zoro

AN: I'm running out of cliches to hack at with my chainsaw, so this is definitely going to end soon. Maybe one or two more chapters?  
I understand why people enjoy ukeZoro (I guess they just like seeing a badass like him being submissive) but, from what I can gather, being uke doesn't necessarily mean the uke is weak. I mean, Sanji is uke plenty of times (from what I've heard) and he's hella strong. NOT WEAK!

Timidly Uke Zoro

"Oh dear." Zoro twiddled his thumbs. "I have discovered that I am, in fact, homosexual."

Zoro tiptoed outside and hid behind a barrel. "Heavens! I do hope that no one will find out, even though my nakama will no doubt be tolerant of my sexuality. Nevertheless, I shall assume that they are insufferable homophobes who will attempt to castrate me should I break the news!"

Just then, Sanji came noodle-dancing down the stairs. Zoro squealed in fear and ran inside.

"Nami-swaan! Robin-chwaan!" Sanji called.

"THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!" Nami screamed.

"She's PMSing. AS AM I!!" Robin screamed too, obviously out of character. However, this was passed off merely as an INTENSE womanly moment of mood swings and whatnot.

"I just came to tell you that even though I flirt with you all the time, I'm actually gay!" Sanji said.

"LIKE I CARE!" Nami screamed.

"WTF?!" Robin screamed.

Meanwhile, Zoro bumped into Luffy.

"Eek! Luffy!" Zoro shrieked, flapping his hands. "You startled me!"

"Haha. You sound all sissy." Luffy laughed.

"OKAY I ADMIT IT I'M GAAAY!!" Zoro wailed. "Don't castrate me..."

"Um. Okay." Luffy wandered off, not all that surprised.

"Ohmygawd ohmygawd." Zoro hopped up and down, fanning himself with his hands. "I'm soooo embarassed!"

"Marimo?" Sanji poked his head around the corner.

"I'M GAAAY! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM MEEE???" Zoro sobbed, falling down to his knees.

"Why, Zoro-chan, I'm gay too!" Sanji gasped.

"This means... love!" Zoro's eyes brimmed with tears of joy. "Kiss me, my darling!"

And so they did, complete with an entire two paragraphs describing their makeout session in excessive detail, causing an inordinate amount of fangirl squealing to commence all over the world.

"Ohmygawd!" Zoro blushed. "Let's _do it!" _

"I call seme." Sanji hastily said.

"..."

"..."

"Dammit!" Zoro groaned.

"WTF?!" Nami and Robin said.

***

AN: To any ZoSan fans out there, I'm _not _making fun of the pairing, I'm making fun of how Zoro (or Sanji) is written to be... womanly. THEY ARE MEN. MEN DO NOT BLUSH AND FLAP THEIR HANDS, HOPPING UP AND DOWN ON THEIR TWINKLE-TOES.  
Except for that one filler Post-Enies Lobby where Robin caught Zoro with the kids. Minus the flapping and toe-hopping.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated.


	28. Last Chapter!

AN: I'm ending this now because frankly, I've lost both interest and inspiration. There's just no more clichessss...  
Unless if I missed one, then, whoops. But it's too late, anyways. This chapter isn't really making fun of anything... it's just random...  
P.S. Apologies for not replying to reviews. I've been... out of it.

Last Chapter?!

"WHAT???" Luffy screamed. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE?!"

"But people reviewed!" Chopper pleaded. "Have meeeercy on us!!"

"Shut up, guys! We're _not _going to die." Zoro gritted through his teeth. "We're just... I dunno. Cease living, I guess."

"THAT'S THE SAME THING!" Usopp yelled. He gasped in realization. "I- I have dialogue?! I HAVE DIALOGUE! ZOMG!!1!"

Zoro slapped Usopp.

"Shit, so this shitty is the shitty last shitty chapter. Shit." Sanji muttered. "Shit, why shitty are we shit getting shitty cancelled?"

"Because the Cartoonnetwork staff is on weed." Nami said. "Oh wait, that's just Funimation and 4Kids. Never mind."

"I killed everyone at 4Kids." Robin smiled, blood dripping down her hands. "It was quite... fun."

"..."

Everyone edged away from Robin.

"This isn't SUPER." Franky said. "And honestly, I'm sick of saying that over and over and over again. Where's the originality?!?" Franky fell to his knees, sobbing.

"And I'm tired of always being labeled as the weakest character." Usopp said. "HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN MY CREW OF EIGHT THOUSAND?!"

"But Usopp, I thought your crew had OVER NINE THOUSAND." Chopper said.

"Stop referencing to that stupid quote!" Zoro said angrily. "It's not funny anymore!"

Chopper burst into tears and ran away.

"Shall I kill Swordsman-san, too?" Robin smiled, rubbing her bloody hands together.

"Yes, pleaaaase!~" Sanji noodled. "Oh, wait, I mean, uh, no. Don't."

"Because he's the second most popular character of course, WHO MADE CHOPPER CRY!!" Nami screamed in Zoro's ear.

"OW! MY EAR!" Zoro shouted.

"Yohohoho! Must I laugh every time I have a line of dialogue? I don't _always _laugh..." Brook said.

"Silence, newest crewmember! You weren't in enough episodes to have a lot of recognition!" Nami said.

"I'm so sad..." Brook walked away.

"Oi! Stop stealing my screentime! _I'm _the main character!" Luffy jumped up and down.

"Shut up! Wasn't Amazon Lily, Impel Down, and Marineford enough?" Nami scowled.

"Nope." Luffy shook his head.

"This is shitty why we're shitty getting shitty cancelled oh why am I saying shit so shitty much?!" Sanji threw his hands up.

"Because the fangirls like it, that's why." Robin said, tearing the heads off of several readers. The surviving readers screamed in terror and fled.

"..."

Everyone scooted as far away from Robin as possible.

"Oh, great. You scared everyone away. Now where're we going to get reviews?" Zoro sighed.

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Franky shouted. "NOT SUPE- ARGH! DAMMIT!"

He ran away, cussing loudly.

"Oh my god..." Nami pinched the bridge of her nose. "Am I the only sane one on this crew? Of course I am. But that doesn't explain why I'm talking to myself. Crap. Maybe I'm not so stable after all. Ahaha!"

Nami did a spectacular backflip and rolled up the stairs, defying the laws of gravity.

"That was weird." Zoro said flatly.

"Nami-swan is so beautiful when defying the laws of gravity!" Sanji swooned.

"YOU SICK BASTARD!!" Zoro shouted.

"Wait- oh, shit!" Sanji realized the sexual innuendo within his sentence. "I didn't mean it that way! ...Okay, maybe a _little _bit, but still!"

"Can I have more dialogue?" Usopp asked timidly.

"NNNNOOOO!!!" Zoro screamed.

Usopp wailed in despair and ran away.

"Are you _sure _that I can't kill him?" Robin asked.

"Unfortunately, yes." Sanji said, glaring at Zoro.

"I think it's about time we ended the chapter." Luffy said wisely, scratching his chin.

"Since when did you care?" Zoro snorted.

"... no idea. ANYWAYS..." Luffy strode up to Zoro and kicked him in the shin. "That's for making Usopp cry!"

"IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE MORE ZORO TORTURE/ANGST?!" Zoro yelled. He began shouting in Wingdings and stomped away.

"The author is doing a pretty shitty job of a last chapter." Sanji said.

"Perhaps it's brain damage." Robin suggested.

"Most likely." Sanji nodded.

"I demand more screentime." Luffy pouted.

"LIKE HELL YOU DO!" Sanji kicked Luffy.

And of course, this was interpreted as a SanLu moment by the stubborn fangirls.

Sexual tension FTW, apparently!1!!

Robin, seeing as there was absolutely nothing left to do (and she was still on parole) left the scene.

"Wait for me, Robin-chwan!" Sanji noodled after her, surprisingly in character. Luffy laughed triumphantly.

"Shishi! More spotlight for me!" Luffy grinned.

Silence.

"... Well, this is depressing." Luffy walked away.

***

AN: I always tend to finish things with a low note. I honestly think I didn't do a good job with the last chapter.  
How disappointing.  
Anyways.  
Reviews will be greatly appreciated as always...


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